Saturday, March 8, 2008

on being human...

a teary friday...

that would be the best description i could give to that day, march 7, 2008.

pressures everywhere. with 12 days to prepare for our Lenten Presentation and with a shapeless show at that, i broke down to tears after talking to my classmates. I was in pain because i felt so useless, the play was not making any progress. I was scared that people would blame me if our presentation sucked. I wanted to give up but i can't, and i must not, i assumed my position and i must stick to what i have started. i tried to fill myself with positivity, "Kaya namin to, kami pa?", but then again, whenever i'd see my classmates' faces, i feel myself going down the drain, i am so embarassed, i didn't want them to fail because of me...(okay fine, i might have been so paranoid na that day, i might have been thinking too much, i am sorry) i was very discouraged and i felt so lost. to add up to that i had this conversation...

b1: o ano, jessa, sabi naman sa'yo eh, you can't save the world, you think they are your friends, but are you their friend?
b2: eto namang si b1 eh, kita mo nang umiiyak yang si jessa, gustolang naman nya tumulong,
b1: kahit na, deserving ba sila? di ka naman superhero eh...

fine! i know that! i am only human. it doesn't really have to be shoved into my system , right? i cannot save the world from this catastrophe...but i am hopeful... still hopeful and i am holding on to my faith on the people i am with -my classmates- i know we can do this. I have been with these people in three classes already and i pretty much know what we can and what we cannot do. yes, they are my friends, i don't care if they don't treat me as one.

I talked to my good friend to release the pain, i told him everything that was giving me a hard time, and he told me to relax and he said i must not assume responsibility for everything, after all, it was not just my project, all of us should contribute to realize this really ambitious project. i asked the whole class to gather once again that morning for an emergency meeting, though half of the class was not there, i tried to deliver my "well-thought-of" speech. i said my apologies to those i might have hurt with the things i have said. i was just trying to be assertive enough. these people are my friends and i bet they are not used to seeing me all serious and rigid, that's why i struggles to assert myself, and i didn't know that i might have appeared to be so domineering and manipulative. i am sorry. i asked for their help because i have realized that i cannot do things alone. i said sorry for being weak. i almost used PGMA's lines "you director is trying to be strong as she wants to be..." (LOL) now, i am in peace. i can work without worries.

i am human, but i dare to go to higher places. i am hopeful. i have faith.

i have adapted this philosophy in life i have heard from a koreanovela:
"if i know i can't finish something, i won't start doing it in the first place."

i won't get into something unless i am really convinced that it would work.