Youth groups ko....

na-realize ko ang dami kong sinign-up-an na youth groups:

Auxilium (The mArian Liturgy Group) ---syempre, pioneer ako nyan eh! hehehe!
Street Jazz ---honorary member ako last year! (self-proclaimed) fwehahaha!
Folk Dance ---frustration ko to nung high school
Utak-Berde ---gusto ko yung vision ng group
Cooking ---i don't know how to cook, pero i looove to eat! heehee!

gusto ko pa sana mag Juventus...kaso.. wag na lang. Hahaha!

kasi bukod dyan, meron pa akong:

BUSKOLEHIYO ---College Publication team
Class Representatives ---Class representatives... hahaha!

"Nasa pagdadala lang yan..."

wala lang, nagchi-chikahan kami ni jm kahapon ng maalala ko ang mga kabutihang naidulot ng batang si roman sa buhay ko. si roman ay isa sa dalawang batchmate kong tumawag sa kin ng 'ate'. actually, pag matino ako, tawag nya sa kin yun, pero pag medyo basag-ulo mode ako, 'Jessa' na tawag nya sa kin. Di masyadong malambing si Roman, usually tahimik lang sya and mukang masungit. Kaya lagi ko syang sinasabihang ngumiti kahit konti. I deeply apprecialte the times na nag-aadvice sya sa kin or samin ni Cielo. Hanga ako kay roman sa tibay ng loob nya, di ko pa sya nakitang magalit, badtrip, oo, pero galit, hindi pa. Tahimik nga kasi sya, kung galit sya, sinasarili nya lang, patunay nun ang right hand nya. Mabait si Roman, thoughtful sya, naalala ko pag badtrip ako, or pag sad ako, sya yung laging nattyempo na nandun para kumausap sa kin. Naalala ko one time, i was super exhausted na dahil sa preparations para sa Senakulo namin nung March 2007. Sya yung nagcomfort sa kin, at nagsabing, lahat kami napapagod. Lahat ng tao may kanya-kanyang ikinakapagod. that made me realize one thing, lahat ng tao, nay dinadalang mabigat na problema, ang tanong lang dyan, kung pano mo dadalhin yun. Naisip ko, yung mga classmates kong sems, di naman sila immune sa problema eh, pero di evident sa kanilang may problema sila kasi they know how to carry themselves. I don't know Roman well, i am basing this lang on my encounters with him. Pero i am proud of this guy. Very proud, keep it up, 'man.

One trait I learn from Roman is resilience. Parang bamboo plant, sumasabay sa agos, pero hindi nagpapadala pag tinutumba na sya ng hangin. Mabugbog man, tumatayo pa rin. Nappractice ko na ng konti yung resilience. Konting tyaga pa.

I know kung matuloy si Roman sa pagpapari, magiging magaling syang Salesian. mabuti kasi syang tao, great faith: check, great personality: check, good heart: check! o diba. Swerte ko sa "batchmates" ko, di kasi ako napapariwara pag kasama ko sila, i think it is a good thing na pag may naiisip akong kalokohan, naiisip ko kung anong sasabihin nila pag nalaman nila, kaya napipigilan ako, kaya everyday i pray for them eh, kasi they keep me sane. hehehe!

pag kakamustahin ko si roman, lagi lang nyang sagot, "Eto, buhay pa." Minsan nakakainis, and minsan super predictable na ito ang isasagot nya, parang ang babaw ng dating sa kin nung una, pero kung iisipin, tama naman, buhay pa tayo, and it is something to be thankful for. We have the chance to make today better than yesterday, We have the opportunity to see the world one more, yeah, siguro our worlds are not as pretty as we want them to be, pero sabi nga ni roman, "Nasa pagdadala lang yan."

Creative Writing

(photo from http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/GAN/NAY-022M~Eggplant-Posters.jpg)

This morning, in our Creative Writing Class we were made to pick an item from this creepy jar Mr. Vergara brought to class. The activity freaked me out, especially the picking part. I got a wilt eggplant. It was crinkly and dry...all the life sucked out of it. We were made to write whatever came to our minds, my classmates had items like a Barney stuffed toy, a piece of clay, a toy lizard and other stuff like that.

I was commended for my work, it's an emo-ish piece of shit. hehehe!

Useless. I hate the feeling of being useless. I want to be busy. I want to work. I work hard, i work hard. Then I'm wilt, I get tired. My colors fade, I shine less. Useless. I get sad, I think of myself as someone so invaluable, so small, so powerless. Useless. Death. I die a thousand deaths even before my body would. I die when i see them happy without me. Useless. I die when i can't be with him. I die when he cries, I die when he's quiet. I die when he's bitter, I die when i get blamed. I die, slowly, slowly. I die when i smile and cry inside. I cry when i am at peace with Him. I cry when i miss the kiss. I die. I let go when i die, then i hold back again when i come alive. I come alive when they smile. I am alive. But time will come, their s,miles won't make me alive. Then i am truly dead. I die. I'll be useless when i die. I die when i am scared. I die when i see frogs. I die little by little. I die when my mommy cries, i die when my kuya's being the ass that he really is . I die, I died when Fr. Roel left three years ago. Useless. When i can't do the things i am told. I lose my head, i wilt, my colors fade, my shine falters me. I am scared, i am petrified of lizards, snakes and frogs, of rats and of fluffy creatures, dead or alive, they're scary. I die. I scream, i shout. Then I'm tired, I write, I clear my head, I cry, I sleep. i see Barney and i get this nasty feeling, I see mangoes and I remember home. I see snakes I remember my mom, I see a piece of clay i remember my daddy. He's dead, he's dead. He's a wilt piece of something and nothing will change that. He got tired. I am in pain. He died. He's dead. He was killed. I've been killed before I've been killed. Then i am dead. Useless, lifeless, wilt. I'm dead.

Happy Birthday, Jules!

JULES BRIAN D. PUNSALAN, a guy with a smile that can light up any room, a guy with great beauty in and out and an even greater love for our Lord.

Jules has this air of mystery.I find it hard reading his emotions, he’s very unpredictable, but in a nice way. Jules is very cute, we often name him as “the pinaka-gwapong Bosconian ng DB Canlubang”, and many people agree. Yeah, he may have his flaws, but he carries them with grace, he embraces them and he makes them work for him. More than the physical attributes, Jules’ personality is very striking, and he’s friendly and very approachable. His charm adds up to his “pogi points.” Jules is a very humble person, he’s reserved and quiet most of the times but he’s very funny too. He’s not afraid of laughing his mistakes as he resolves to do better next time. I admire Jules for being very dedicated in the things he does, he’s very diligent especially with his studies. My personal encounters with this fellow are like my daily dose of sanity. I am a year older than him but he would always sound like he’s my kuya. He gives advises well. Honestly, nahihiya pa rin ako sa kanya even though we have been friends for almost two years now. I like it when Jules reads, especially when he reads something he wrote, i feel his sincerity when i hear his voice. That’s why i treasure the times he shares a part of his life with me. Indeed, i can say that i am very blessed to meet him. He knows how to comfort people when they are sad, he has this cute smile that works every time. I like it too when he makes kulit with us. I remember three things when i think of Jules, roosters, rosary and the song “Life is a Beautiful Thing.” Jules likes roosters, he even knows the names of the breeds! Rosary: when i was very distraught and depressed, he gave me a rosary and he said that it was special for him, since then, I have always kept that rosary close to me. Life is a Beautiful Thing: Jules is a reminder for me that life is a beautiful thing. “Kahit na may problema, nabubuhay pa rin tayo, parte lang naman ng buhay ang problema.” Without exaggeration, I believe that Jules is an angel not just to me but also to those whose lives he’s touched.

whining, crying, screaming

now i feel the pain of living in two worlds, two worlds that are oblivious to the existence of the other. I am caught in between two things: the place where i want to be in, and the place where i am expected to be in. I feel pain because of the fact that i cannot do anything but just sit and wait for things to fall (hopefully, whenre i want them to be.) Right now, i am not sure of what i want, i am not sure of what i feel, i am not sure. Well, what's new, i have lived most of my life in uncertainty, i have lived most of my life, not planning ahead, living each day as if it was my last. But you know what, honestly, it gets a little too tiring.

I need a hand to hold on to, but i am not sure which hand to take. my heart is broken, but these things make it whole, the irony of loving is starting to take its toll on me. Forgive me for feeling like i am being punished for the choices i have made in the past. I given another chance, i would have chosen better, but thinking about it, if i knew that this was to happen i would have played safe, i would have learned nothing from all these. i am not regretting the choices i have made, the pain is worth it, i just feel sad for the people i might be hurting because of these.

i am confused. i feel like i am getting myself in a big commitment. i cannot have the best of both worlds, for a while, it could work for me, but there would come a time wehre i would have to make a decision and just stick with one and let go of the other.

if all else fails, i could let go of both and start anew. (READ: total self-destruction)

pain and agony combo...

i am starting to get bored with having to go to class everyday and read a whole lot of stuff that clearly doesn't make sense to me. I am very bored and i need to do something better with my life. I have tried to make some sense out of the thigs i usually do. I attended the volleyball try-outs last Saturday. Instead of making me feel beter, i even felt worse than before. My arms hurt badly, i can't even move them properly. We did push ups, sit ups, jogging, stretching, and a whole lot of body movements that is not normally done by sane people. After three days, my left arm has started to regain it's normal condition but my right arm is starting to get worse. I am thinking of waiting for it to decay and just have it amputated. I cried over my arms last night. I can't sleep well and i wake up really early. I can't rest well because of this.

this is what you call working for what you want, i want to play volleyball, i must go through the pains and hardships, this got me to think, do i really want this. Parang sakit lang ng katawan abot ko dito.

procastinator no more...(wanna bet?)

people talk shit when you're not like them...with the big 'L' in the forehead.
it's like them telling you you'll never amount to something when you're...you.

shit happens.