whoa...

last night, i was watching a lat night drama anthology. I broke down into tears. it spoke about me, or at least the main character was in the same position i'm in. i realized what my tendencies could be, what i am capable of doing to fill up the gaps of my broken self. i was scared. i didn't realize that i could have that monster inside me, i could be that bad, i could be that miserable (more miserable than now.)

just like her, I like the feeling of being needed and when i am shoved aside, i get sad, i get frustrated, i feel useless. i don't like the feeling of being left out and i hate being left alone. i cover up sadness by making myself busy with all sorts of stuff. i long for security and affection, i try to get these from the people i am with. i cling on to people and i find it hard to let go...


i might need help...

permanence...

This is one topic i really fins hard to talk about: LOVE. When the discussion seems to lean towards this side, i often get loud and obnoxious, trying to avoid being serious about it, trying to avoid intimate conversations. Weird? Maybe.

Takot ako eh, i am not comfortable having people near me, i am not used to that, i am not used to having people hugging me, embracing me, it's not that i don't like the feeling, i just feel scared when people come near me. I fear being attached to people, i fear being committed. Siguro kasi, in my life, nothing has been permanent, kaya takot ako pag may tumatagal sa kin. I know how painful it is to lose something, to lose someone, i haven't mastered the art of losing. kahit na sabihing i've been losing things and people all my life. It's something i'll never get used to. Yes, i may be immune to the pain already but i may never get over it.

There's this one that i am holding on to, that i want to be permanent. I want to hold on to this for a long time. i don't want to let go.

High School...

Sino-sino to:

si boris...

si "Tweety Bird" a.k.a. Sarimanok...

si Garfield...

si Corpse Bride...

si Miriam Defensor-Santiago...

si Bugs Bunny...

si Suki...

si embang...

si jheprox...

si batcom...

si pusa...

si kalabaw...


Saan ang...

Saudi...

Clinic...

"Tulay"...

Public...

Bakit...?

Eskalabeytor and tawag sa hagdan sa tabi ng library?

madalas maudlot ang quizzes sa biology and Religion nung second Year?

madalas akong late kahit maaga umaalis ng bahay?

laging late kami sa math pagkatapos mag Cathecism sa Public?

tatlo ang kulay ng buhok ni Tweety Bird?

nalaglag ang dalawang batchmates ko sa eskalabeytor?

bawal pahiran ng floorwax ang eskalabeytor?

laging nauubos ang papel ng katabi ko?

walang tumulong sa nalaglag doon?

walang tao sa saudi?

laging pinaghihiwalay ng upuan si embang at jheprox?

random Questions...

saan nakuha ang pangalang "Embang"?

sino ang nagtatag ng magazine na tumuligsa sa mga nakakataas noon?

sino ang nag vandal sa mga cubicle ng cr sa pamamagitan ng kulangot?

bakit di excusable maglinis ng cr gamit ang bunot?

bakit walang pumupunta sa mga reunions?

bakit napasali ako sa Lacasa?

may himala ba?

saan napunta ang freedom board ng 4-Laura?

bakit di magandang magtago ng cellphone pag retreat?


lastly,

bakit lahat tayo gumradweyt???

nabaliw na po sya....

waaaahh!


time out, pwede!


di ko kaya to!


wait lang, okay?


wait lang. pause muna, rewind, play!

di ako 'sing bait ng inaakala nyo...

i have my flaws,



makulit...kakasabi mo lang itatanong ulit...

"retard"...may pagka-abno, di gumagawa ng tama...

selfish...puro sarili na lang...

"deaf-mute"...di marunong makinig, di sumasagot pag tinatanong...

superhero symdrome...madalas nangangarap na sagipin ang buong mundo sa tiyak na kapahamakan

mayabang..."kaya ko 'to...ako pa...tingnan mo, kaya ko 'to eh...(pause)AYOKO NA!!!!" --(halaw sa tunay na buhay, tanungin ang ilang kaibigan ko at patunayan)

bitchy..."i can be a really bad bitch, you ain't seen me at my bitchiest!" --(tanungin ang ilang kaibigang nakaaway...dati rin akong ninominate bilang presidente ng Mean Girl's Club)

tamad..."kelan na ba due date nyan?...bukas ng hapon?... sya, sa umaga na ako gagawa" --(tanungin si april at mga kaklase ko ng high school...)

antukin..."inaantok ak----zzzzzzzzz...." (tanungin ang economics at physics teachers ko nung high school...pati na rin ang nurse namin noon...)

warfreak..."potek, sinung umaway sa'yo? sugurin na natin yan! ikaw? lika dito, babalibagin kita!" --(hanapin ang kawawang batang itinaob ko sa see-saw nung elementary)


maldita...(tanungin ang babae sa mall na sinabunutan ko sabay takbo...)

epal...(tanungin ang kapatid kong nagluto ng carbonarang binuhusan ko ng ketchup....wow, creamy spagetti!)



yan at marami pang iba...


di ako mabait...

mahal nyo pa rin ba ako?

mahal pa rin N'ya kaya ako?

what's in a name?

What Maye Means

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated. You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want. You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way! You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

on being human...

a teary friday...

that would be the best description i could give to that day, march 7, 2008.

pressures everywhere. with 12 days to prepare for our Lenten Presentation and with a shapeless show at that, i broke down to tears after talking to my classmates. I was in pain because i felt so useless, the play was not making any progress. I was scared that people would blame me if our presentation sucked. I wanted to give up but i can't, and i must not, i assumed my position and i must stick to what i have started. i tried to fill myself with positivity, "Kaya namin to, kami pa?", but then again, whenever i'd see my classmates' faces, i feel myself going down the drain, i am so embarassed, i didn't want them to fail because of me...(okay fine, i might have been so paranoid na that day, i might have been thinking too much, i am sorry) i was very discouraged and i felt so lost. to add up to that i had this conversation...

b1: o ano, jessa, sabi naman sa'yo eh, you can't save the world, you think they are your friends, but are you their friend?
b2: eto namang si b1 eh, kita mo nang umiiyak yang si jessa, gustolang naman nya tumulong,
b1: kahit na, deserving ba sila? di ka naman superhero eh...

fine! i know that! i am only human. it doesn't really have to be shoved into my system , right? i cannot save the world from this catastrophe...but i am hopeful... still hopeful and i am holding on to my faith on the people i am with -my classmates- i know we can do this. I have been with these people in three classes already and i pretty much know what we can and what we cannot do. yes, they are my friends, i don't care if they don't treat me as one.

I talked to my good friend to release the pain, i told him everything that was giving me a hard time, and he told me to relax and he said i must not assume responsibility for everything, after all, it was not just my project, all of us should contribute to realize this really ambitious project. i asked the whole class to gather once again that morning for an emergency meeting, though half of the class was not there, i tried to deliver my "well-thought-of" speech. i said my apologies to those i might have hurt with the things i have said. i was just trying to be assertive enough. these people are my friends and i bet they are not used to seeing me all serious and rigid, that's why i struggles to assert myself, and i didn't know that i might have appeared to be so domineering and manipulative. i am sorry. i asked for their help because i have realized that i cannot do things alone. i said sorry for being weak. i almost used PGMA's lines "you director is trying to be strong as she wants to be..." (LOL) now, i am in peace. i can work without worries.

i am human, but i dare to go to higher places. i am hopeful. i have faith.

i have adapted this philosophy in life i have heard from a koreanovela:
"if i know i can't finish something, i won't start doing it in the first place."


i won't get into something unless i am really convinced that it would work.