all i am asking for is...

nakikita ko pa ba?

i've been so busy with my academic requirements and the practices for out Lenten presentation "Nakita Mo Ba?" (final requirement for our Theater Arts class) that i don't see the point anymore... di ko na nakikita kung bakit ko ginagawa to...para bang ginagawa ko na lang to dahil ito ang nakasanayan kong gawin...i need to stop and think. i need conviction. i need to know what my intentions are. why am i doing this? Dahil pa rin ba sa Kanya?

so close...

i haven't watched enchanted yet but i have heard one of
the songs from its soundtrack. very heart warming
song...

So Close
Jon Mclaughlin
Enchanted OST

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you

So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

numb

one day at the office of student affairs, feeling yata namin eh nasa ibang bansa kami, super aircon talaga, napakalamig...so my fingers statrted to feel numb talaga, eh ako pa naman is very used to biting the tips of my fingers, (very kadiri mannerism), anyway, i didn't notice that one of my fingers was bleeding already. imust have been too numb to even notice that i was bleeding na.

that incident was a good material to reflect on.numbness kills, pero NUMBNES IS NEVER AN EXCUSE TO HURT ANYONE. that's one lesson i have learned in the past week. i have hurt somebody so dear to me because i was too numb to even notice that i was already hurting him. now, i find it hard to get him back. i always find ways to excuse myself from all the pains i bring other people. i often say, "di ko kasi alam...", " akala ko kasi..."
namanhid na ko, sa dami ng pinagdaanan ko parang wala nang pwedeng mangyari na ikakalungkot ko pa. My being numb resulted to me being selfish and cold, tapos i get sad when people leave me, now i see why. now i know why and i can't blame them. Who would want to stay with someone so cold and bitter?
at first i was asking for someone who would come to save me from the ice castle, but then i realized, i built the walls of ice around me, i am the only one who can break loose from it.i need healing from within. i need to be up to the challenge, the process of healing can be very painful but i need to do it.
i will not do it for others. i need to this for myself. i don't want to be the ice princess anymore. i don't want to live in fear anymore, kasi ngayon because of fear, di ko alam i'm bleeding na pala...

tribute sa Barkadang Babad sa Aral

Unang sabak sa college life: Scary, but having a great bunch of friends made things much easier for me, we call ourselves BBA, nung una, Boy Bawang Addicts ang meaning nun, kasi sa inuman puro boy bawang lang ang kaya naming bilhin para sa pulutan. Di nawala ang boy bawang. Kahit di naman talaga lahat sam in kumakain ng boy bawang, we embraced the name and we lived it. Later on, second semester, Barkadang Babad Sa Aral na pangalan ng barkada namin, aral...aral...inom...aral...

hahaha!

mabubuting kaibigang laging maasahan!
miss ko na kayong lahat!

bang your head against the wall...(a wake up call)

i am not as good as i want to be. i am not as strong as i expect myself to be. i might have been expecting so much out of myself that i might have been forgetting that i can only take this much...as in this much (demonstrating: a handful) i am no bionic-woman. i realized this when i felt sick and tired of the things i do. sick and tired, yes, sick and tired. that's where i knew. TAO LANG AKO. (I am only human)
i am weak.
i am a loser.
i get tired.
i cry.
i faint.
i get sick.
i get bored.
i give up.
i get mad.
i get sad.
but then again, i promise to arise as a victor. i will not die without putting up a good fight. Kuya Marc Will would always tell us to be exceptional in the things that we do, I'll be exceptional, I'll be great! I'll show them. hahah!

yeah, i can be a bitter piece of shit, but hey, i have my reasons for being one, and besides, i will not remain to be that piece of shit they made me to be. i am a diamond in the rough. it would take time before i grow into a fine piece of jewel, but I'll get there! conceited? i dunno. i just try to give myself the affirmation i deserve. a friend one told me, that when i feel that people don't affirm me anymore, it could be that i lack self-affirmation. that's why i try to give myself the much needed pats on my back to make me feel good.

they could break me all they want but I'll never give up, at least not because of them.

para kay maxx...

Marie Cielo Gomez Collantes a.k.a:
*Macole
*Macky (pangalan din ng aso nya)
*Maxx
*Cielo Mariel (according to Patsy)
*Cielo Erika (bagong pangalan nya)
*Cielo Bangs (ako si Jessa Juniper)
*Pangs (short for Panget)
*Pre...
*boi
we've been friend for over a year now, and i could say that we've gone through a lot already. She has seen my at my best and at my worst moments, but still she's there to support me and to believe in me. I know we have a lot of differences and thinking about it, it makes me wonder why we're still friends. Maxx is one of the most understanding people i have ever met. She patiently stays with me during my "topak" moments and even when i have my tantrums, she never lets me down. Maxx has made me appreciate life more, with her i have learned to laugh a lot and live more. I remember before we became friends, like her, i was a newcomer to Don Bosco College, i was often alone in the chapel near the confession box crying, but when i met her, things gradually turned out better. If there's one thing i'd remember Maxx for, that would be for the fact that she made me appreciate myself more. She taught me to laugh at problems and not to dwell on them too much. God will make a way. She's a year younger than me, but at the end of the day she turns out to be my "ate".

More than our differences, we have a lot of similarities too, we're both stubborn, we're both "lakas-topak", we both eat a lot, we love food and we like shopping together (when we have money) haha! Our friendship tightened when we both got into similar situations, i don't have to spell out what that situation is, i know some of those who reads my blog would get it. I think it was then that we promised not to let each other down. we'll be supporting each other no matter what. Just like what she's often say, "Sino pa ba ang magtutulungan kundi tayo rin."

our favorite motto is "God Provides" it's funny that when i don't have money she has money and when she has no money I'd have money. Astig pre, God provides! Minsan, nakakatawa when things happen to us, one of us would just utter something that would like thank God for what just happened, you see, we're not just a pair of loud girls, i could say that we are deeper than what is often seen! yeah boy!

I am happy to be her friend. I am happy we've met. With her, yung lungs ko...parang nawala! hahaha!

kidding aside, Maxx has made me appreciate life more. Mabuhay si Cielo Erika! love you pre! hahaha!