make-believe

ever been forcibly waken up by someone from a beutiful sleep? feels bad right? well, i have had one of those... it was really bad. You see, i have been sleeping, i have been living in my world of make believe. i have been running along with a crown of daisies on my head, i have been living a princess' life. i have been living happily with my knight-in-shining armor. we were inlove, we were happy. we were safe in the world we were living in.

but one day, my knight said, "it is time to wake up. we need to face the real world. we need to vacate the world we created for ourselves. everything that we had, even the LOVE wasn't real."

what does he expect me to feel? what does he want me to say? "ah, really? okay!" then, i'd jump out of my bed and live my life in the real world and wave at him happily when we see each other again. just like that? after everything that just happened? He actually thinks it's as easy at that? No, i don't think so, i would have to give myself time. i would have to give myself room to heal. a little more of make-believes, a little more denial, a little more lies... a little more...

a little more, trhen i'll be moving on, and when i do, there's no turning back. i'll be moving on...


i'll be okay.

weary

I am not that strong

In fact, i am very weak.I have gone through a lot and all these trials must have worn me out along the way. i am not that strong. at the end of the day, i am just a child, helpless, weak. i still cry out for help once in a while.

I never really enjoyed my childhood. i have been watched all my life. I grew to be a person who's afraid of what others have to say about me. i have always been afraid of doing something wrong. i have been very afraid of being weak, of not knowing what to do, of not knowing the answers. I am supposed to be the strong one, the smart one the one with all the answers. i feel stupid whenever i can't provide the answers even to my own inquiries. but what can i do? i am no super human, just like anybody else, i am just what i am. a child... all i can do is pray for a better tomorrow...


i am tired. fed up.

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. "

(Marideth Grey, Grey's Anatomy)

My fairy tale's over. I didn't have the happy ending i was hoping for. I prayed hard for each magical moment to last, but like what other people always say, good things never last. It is time to let go, time to snap back to reality and time leave the world of make believe. Life is not always fair. Life may be such a pain in the ass. I am ready to let go, not because i want to, but because I have to. i don't want to hurt anybody. Love can be very choking sometimes. I probably love too much, i probably give too much. Maybe it's time i give myself the love i deserve. Maybe it is time that i step out of the shadows of the people i call for help. Maybe it is time to stand on my own. They won't always be around. At the end of the day, i will be responsible for what my life has become. maybe it is just fitting that i make the most out of it.

tension...

everyone's having a hard time completing the requirements imposed on us. but i noticed this morning that i am the most relaxed among my batch. in fact, i am too relaxed daw...when i was in high school, we call our bath the "rushbabies". I like working under time pressure. I like working after a big push. i like working on term papers, a week before the deadline, i like working for field study reports just before time runs out. I am not a good group mate, i am not a good team mate when it comes to scholastic requirements...
i am sorry for giving my group mates a hard time... i am sorry for being such a pain in the ass...

if you'd just trust me... i know what i am doing.
this works for me...

on love...

"Love is not something to be over-analyzed. it's supposed to be spontaneous and involuntary for it is an activity of the heart."

in memory of our Murphy...

totally terrified of what i knew was about to happen, i came late for my biology class...
we were about to kill, skin and open up a frog... what we had wasn't really a frog, it was a toad (read: bigger) i was terrified... sir oliver demonstrated how to paralyze the frog, i sat in the corner crying until kuya ron told me to get up and join the group. i did join them, but i was not looking at whatever they were doing. after a few words of encouragement from almost everyone, i found myself holding the feet of the toad as kuya ron was pithing the head. then i said to myself, "*snap* they actually talked me into doing this thing." i was crying of course... i cried like a kid, like a baby, it was quite embarrassing, now that i look back at it, but at that time,i didn't really care... all i was thinking of was the toad. when it was dead, i helped in skinning it. i found inspiration from grey's anatomy. hahaha! it was there that i realized that i could be a surgeon. we named our frog "Murphy". He was a good frog. He didn't give us a hard time though it took quite a while to kill him completely. I will miss Murphy. But i am still terrified of frogs and toads, especially if they're alive and croaking.

College Retreat

Life is like a pencil...



1. there is something good in you.
2. you need to be sharpened in order to live.
3. in case of mistakes, you are provided with an eraser.
4. remember, somebody is holding you.
5. you have to leave a mark.


Our three-day retreat focused on the pencil module. the points stressed are quite self-explanatory. I enjoyed the retreat. It felt good going back into myself. I needed a break from all the drama and the chaos my life has brought me. I needed this break. In fact, I need more breaks like this. I am not as strong as I seem. I am no super-human. I am weak. In fact, the bruises on my arm would prove that i do not do well with stress. I am an angry person. Very angry, incapable of loving truly, at least not yet. I need to settle things first. I need to solve my issues. I need somebody to talk to. I am tired of running away from everything. I want to talk about what happened almost 14 years ago. I want to speak up.