scribbles and doodles

sung hyun ri

2009-04-01T17:25:00.000-07:00

숭 휸 리

that's my korean name according to a post i saw on this site: http://www.imeem.com/midnightsnow/blogs/2007/06/18/fRnoIKKt/fun-what-is-your-korean-name

I am fascinated with learning the korean language. One day i found myself obsessed with Korean films and K-Pop. I even found myself downloading the reality series Full House from youtube. I am proud to say that i can read Hangul but my Korean vocabulary still needs a lot of help. hehe!

i'll bring more news on my Koran self-study once i get a hold of a nice book to help me out.

kay eva, marie, bagyo, gagambala at ericka...

2008-12-04T18:43:00.000-08:00

maraming salamat sa mga ala-alang iniwan nyo. masaya akong nakilala ko kayong lahat! mahal na mahal ko kayo guys! ingat! nyahahaha! Dahil senyo masaya ang SYM! go BIG 250! hehehe!

kahit kelan di ko naramdaman na nakakapagod kang mahalin...

2008-11-27T19:52:00.000-08:00

ngayon lang...

--- very special love...

magmamahal ka pa rin kahit ang sakit sakit...

2008-11-06T16:03:00.000-08:00

isa to sa mga emo posts na gagawin ko...

masakit na...
nakakapagod manlimos ng atensyon na di mo rin pala ibibigay,

sana di mo na ko pinagstay.

masmasaya yun...

kaso, wala

masakit...

nakakasakit na KAYO!

walang joke, masaya ako ngayon...

2008-09-26T18:11:00.000-07:00

all the while akala ko kelangan ko ng ibang tao para maging masaya, well, hindi pala, hahaha! masaya ako ngayon, nag-eenjoy ako kasama ibang tao. Masaya ako mag-isa...

a tribute to my partner-in-crime, the all powerful: John Alex Banawa

2008-09-22T21:53:00.000-07:00

he worked his ass off with they lay-out of the college publication and i only saw him stressed was when the freakin' printer wont cooperate with us. I am very thankful for having him as my lay-out artist because we are so in the same page. Harhar! people often pull us down by saying stuff here and there but well, ehem! look at the products of our lovin' labor!

harhar!

Petrichor

2008-09-18T23:49:00.000-07:00

(inspired by the new word i learned today from the internet)
(thanks to John Alex Banawa for the complimentary words and phrases)

Petrichor

The smell of the earth starts to get to me,

aware of the love that will never be.

All these would be a lasting memory

Of you and me in sweet serenity.

As warmth touches my numbed senses once more,

Your painful silence overwhelms my soul

Looking back, I see you and me no more

Visions of you, all smeared with mud and coal

Candy-colored ark reigns over the sky

this, for me, is the sign to say goodbye.

Ephemeral Elysium’s destined end:

Farewell, the only thing broken hearts lend.

My Pivot

2008-09-18T03:31:00.002-07:00

A Life-turning Experience

Last March 2008, our Theater Arts class was preparing for a stage play for the Holy Week. It was a really stressful activity for the whole class but I felt more pressured because I was the director of the play. All the drama and the stress were starting to get to me. I was starting to get so irritable and so moody. I was a mess. Good thing my classmates and my batch mates never gave up on me. They were always there supporting me with the preparations for the play. Everything was going well until the night of the last performance came. Last minute preparations were done to make the blocking of the actors better. Our professor in theater Arts helped me out with this adjustments and it was only thirty minutes till show time.

One of my classmates did not like the fact that I let our professor over rule my on my role as the director. He said that I should have asserted what I had in mind and we should have stuck with what was rehearsed. At that point, though, all I could think of was to make the show a worthwhile material for the people to reflect on for the Holy Week more than executing the play for get the grade, I was more concerned with giving the people something to ponder on. And so, the violent reactions from that particular classmate brought me down, that made me question myself and my capacity as a director.

I felt really devastated. I was crying but I tried hard not to make them see the tears, I did not want them to think that I was weak. One of my classmates saw me while I was fixing my costume, he asked me what was wrong and at first I was hesitant to tell the story, and when I did, he hugged me and told me that it was not my fault and that I did not have to take all the blame for myself. He said that I did all that I could to make the play a good one and that I should not be feeling bad at all. He says that I should try not to take everything in. “Do your best in the things that you do and God will do the rest.”

It was an incident that I still treasure to this day. I do not know if he still remembers the things he said to me that night, but those words really inspired me. I started to just let things go when I have done my part. I used to have the tendency to just embrace all the jobs and do everything at the same time, but now, I have learned to know my limitations.

I am very grateful to that friend of mine. Until today, he’s my source of daily doses of sanity that keep my grounded.

A Reflection on The Music Child

2008-09-18T03:31:00.001-07:00

The Music Child
Alfred A. Yuson
(1991)

I never believed that the older people get, the more they know how to deal with the things that come their way. Older people tend to complicate things, they tend to seek the deeper meaning of this, which is not bad at all, but sometimes, things are not to be overanalyzed all the time. Some things in this life are simple; the answers to most of our problems are often given to us, laid down in front of us.

I admire children when they talk to each other, they see the world as something so pretty and something so beautiful, they appreciate what some of us don’t and yes, they seem to have all the answers. Children share, adults rarely do, children tell the people they love that they appreciate them, adults have a great deal of a hard time doing this. I can’t seem to reconcile why adults have to let go of some good habits when they grow up. Those little habits keep peace reigning. I am not saying that adults are responsible for the chaos and the turmoil, it’s just that, adults seem to have forgotten what joy it brings to just keep things simple, forgive and forget, give and take. Simple. These habits will keep our world spinning for us.

A Reflection on The Ghost

2008-09-18T03:31:00.000-07:00

The Ghost
Connie Jan Maraan
(1990)

This story got me thinking: if I were to die right here and right now, what would my unfinished business be? Well, probably a lot. I have to complete a couple of subjects, I have to get my transcript of records from UPLB, I have to see my mom and tell her that I love her so much, I have to be able to kiss Marius, and I have to settle some scores with some of my friends.

The most serious unfinished business that I have would probably sound a little mushy and a little corny but it is of a love not told. I currently like someone very much---not in a romantic way (oh, well, yeah, maybe in a romantic way, but moreover…) but I am fonder of being with this someone than fantasizing about me and him getting married. If I would die now, I would probably volunteer to be his guardian angel, I would watch him from above, and just be with him as much as I want to, though he might never know it, it is okay with me. I am more like a martyr than a lover who fights for love. I am more likely to get contented loving a person silently, I have complications.

A Reflection on the Ghost

2008-09-17T23:45:00.001-07:00

A Reflection on the Music Child

2008-09-17T23:45:00.000-07:00

My Pivot

2008-09-17T23:44:00.000-07:00

A Life-turning Experience

Last March 2008, our Theater Arts class was preparing for a stage play for the Holy Week. It was a really stressful activity for the whole class but I felt more pressured because I was the director of the play. All the drama and the stress were starting to get to me. I was starting to get so irritable and so moody. I was a mess. Good thing my classmates and my batch mates never gave up on me. They were always there supporting me with the preparations for the play. Everything was going well until the night of the last performance came. Last minute preparations were done to make the blocking of the actors better. Our professor in theater Arts helped me out with this adjustments and it was only thirty minutes till show time.

One of my classmates did not like the fact that I let our professor over rule my on my role as the director. He said that I should have asserted what I had in mind and we should have stuck with what was rehearsed. At that point, though, all I could think of was to make the show a worthwhile material for the people to reflect on for the Holy Week more than executing the play for get the grade, I was more concerned with giving the people something to ponder on. And so, the violent reactions from that particular classmate brought me down, that made me question myself and my capacity as a director.

I felt really devastated. I was crying but I tried hard not to make them see the tears, I did not want them to think that I was weak. One of my classmates saw me while I was fixing my costume, he asked me what was wrong and at first I was hesitant to tell the story, and when I did, he hugged me and told me that it was not my fault and that I did not have to take all the blame for myself. He said that I did all that I could to make the play a good one and that I should not be feeling bad at all. He says that I should try not to take everything in. “Do your best in the things that you do and God will do the rest.”

It was an incident that I still treasure to this day. I do not know if he still remembers the things he said to me that night, but those words really inspired me. I started to just let things go when I have done my part. I used to have the tendency to just embrace all the jobs and do everything at the same time, but now, I have learned to know my limitations.

I am very grateful to that friend of mine. Until today, he’s my source of daily doses of sanity that keep my grounded.

About me: (as seen on friendster)

2008-09-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

describe myself?

i am about 5"3 in height, chubby, almost fair-skinned, sometimes pale pa nga eh.

right now, my hair is growing long na, unlike before na i cut my hair short after three months. Dry ang hair ko, resulta siguro ng pagkukulay ko ng sarili kong buhok nung summer.

I have huge thighs, i am fat nga kasi, hahaha! and my arms are short daw.

(do i seem monstrous yet?!) hehehe!

I do not have have good skin, medyo marami na yung pimples ko, plus the scars...(derma please!)

my eyebrows are not okay, i mean, they are not leech-thick pero medyo unruly kasi.

my nose naman is not pango pero may kalakihan, i have full lips, konti na lang daw, auto-pout na. (Thank you, Lord!)

I have nice teeth though, not pearly white pero hindi crooked. Sabi nila, my smile is pretty daw. (Blushes :))

I have big eyes daw, pero i'd rather call it deep! hehehe! my eyes are puffy kaya siguro sometimes i appear to have huge eyebags.

Sabi naman nila, kahit mataba ako, may shape naman katawan ko kasi may evident curve naman na makikita, for my size, hindi ako mukhang barrel! hahaha!

ayun, so you now can pretty much draw a picture of me...

out for three days...

2008-09-04T13:23:00.000-07:00

retreat namin so mawawala ako ng tatlong araw. be back on sunday....

Wishlist para sa birthday ko...

2008-08-30T03:02:00.000-07:00

1. PUG puppy... gusto ko sana yung cream and black...
2. laptop computer. katulad nung kay jules...music edition ata yun ng HP...

HP Pavilion dv2800 Artist Entertainment Notebook PC series

3. digital camera, yung sa canon ixus...
4. new chucks...
5. new bag...
5. hoodie jacket...
6. a really nice printer...
7. PSP! waaaah!
8. mernel's cake
9. chocolate ice cream...
10. clover na green
11. yogurt na mango
12. kfc bucket meal
13. cheesy bacon mushroon burger...
14. hershey's pie from BK
15. HK trip...
16. Palawan experience...
17. vacation sa pampanga...
18. dance with Gforce
19. cotton candy
20. fic
21. dried mangoes...
22. star apple]
23. turon
24. kwek-kwek
25. pansit canton

We are Shakespeare

2008-08-29T19:25:00.000-07:00

August 27, 2008

Our midterm exam for our English and American literature class was scheduled at 8 am. I unfortunately overslept and arrived at 8:15. It was okay though for the program started at around 8:30, but thinking that i still had to dress up, i had to move fast. My classmates and i werequite nervous about the whole recital thing. I was not ready. Haha! but i think i made a good presentation. The judges were so good to us!

Sino daw ako?

2008-08-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

i live a double life...

a part of me is the shallow, loud mouth people see often... i laugh a lot and i talk a lot. i appear to be rather stupid... a push over...

the other part of me is the cold and bitter person, i speak seldom but i have the answers. i am the thinker. this part of me is the smart one. i never let my feelings get in the way, this is the part that has forgotten to feel...
somewhere between these two hides the silent deviant... a rebel... a happy rebel... damaged, broken, scrarred, imperfect... but hey, nobody is perfect... i am trying to be normal... i am attempting to live a happy life. I am trying to see the essence of living inspite of all the pain. i am trying to let "me" show... trying to be there for people as much as possible without conforming. i am going against the norms, defying the rules... i am trying to live life the way i want to, guided by the values i have kept in my heart. i follow the inner compass that leads us all to where we're supposed to go... i am risking getting hurt and being rejected. i am embracing all my issues, i am owning my mistakes, i am living and loving it... i love. i try to be human, i am in the process of thawing my cold heart. i am in the process of regaining the ability of feeling---something that i have forgotten to do after all these years...

convinced that i am born for greater things, i try to maximize my potentials... i am done with mediocrity... gone are the years of effortless victories... i will make the most out of every opportunity laid before me... i will be someone significant....
whew... rather ambitious, don't you think???! *winks*

My favorite SLA Pics

2008-08-24T19:59:00.000-07:00

These pictures were taken sa may gate ng Elementary department ng Caritas Don Bosco nung SLA. hehehe! ang cute lang, super feeling close na kami sa isa't isa... ang dami namin nahakot para maki-isa sa pagiging cam whores namin. hehehe!

sa mga tropa sa DBA

2008-08-24T19:55:00.000-07:00

It might seem a little bit late for this but i, in behalf of my friends and tropaness from DB Canlubang, would like to thank you for always being nice to us and being ever so supportive of us! ahahaha! ang sweet!

BUSKOLEHIYO: super habol day part 1

2008-08-24T19:43:00.000-07:00

aba naman, parang lima lang kaming gumawa ng buong college publication! kamusta naman yun? kahit gusto ko magexact sa kanila, di naman pwede, alex always tells me to calm myself down pag medyo umiinit na ulo ko sa pag aatittude problem ng imga nakakasama ko. Di naman masyadong masama loob ko, may ilan naman na nagpaalam na di sila makakapunta pero yung iba, pinag aksayahan ko na nga sila ng piso kahit ibang network sila eh... huhuhu! di manlangnagreply. To think na sila pa yung nag sign ng pangalan nila to be a part of this.

wakey-wakey! we have an issue to finish!

Wall-E

2008-08-24T19:27:00.000-07:00

Directed by Andrew Stanton

Produced by Jim Morris

Distributed by Walt Disney Pictures

“The production of too many useful things results in too many useless people. “ ~ Karl Marx

Wall.E is a feel good movie that will get you thinking afterwards. More than the special friendship between Wall.E and Eve, the movie speaks of many social and environmental issues. This movie shows how man can be enslaved by their own creations. Humans were pictured as very lazy people, dependent on technology to survive, they weren’t even living life. They do not touch, they do not talk face to face, and they just communicate through the hologram screens in their floating chairs. They were helpless without technology. Time came when the captain of the ship realized that they need to give back to their home: Earth. Earth is not as miserable as man thought it was, it just needed people to look after it. He drew hope from a plant potted on a shoe. He had two choices, to remain surviving comfortably in the Axiom, or to lead his people to go home to Earth. The captain chose to do better. He did not want to remain useless, he wanted to live.

BAKIT BALIKTAD MAGBASA NG LIBRO ANG MGA PILIPINO?

2008-08-21T21:48:00.000-07:00

I got this from (http://nakanampucha.wordpress.com/2007/06/29/bob-ong/) wala lang, nakakatuwa, ito yung favorite part ko dun sa libro...

thank you!

I took this from Bob Ong’s book “bakit baliktad magbasa ng libro ang mga pilipino?”. I think that it’s down ass funny… Bob Ong is a funny guy… really funny omg funny..lol…well I think he is..lol

Lumalabas ang kakulangan natin sa iodize salt pagdating sa mga trivia game show sa TV. Mapa Family-Feud, The weakest Link, o Gobingo, hindi pahuhuli sa pagalingan ang mga mamamayang Pilipino, lalo na sa kung mabilisan!

SET THE CLOCK….

Host: Ano sa Ingles ang “hinlalaki”?
Contestant: Thumbmark

Host: Ano ang ginagamitng mga swimmers para bumilis ang kanilang paglanggoy?
Contestant: Fast Shoes

Host: Kung si Superman ay may Lois Lane, ano naman ang kay Robinhood?
contestant: Pana.

Host: Anong “S” ang inuupuan pag nakasakay sa kabayo?
contestant: Silya

Host: Ano ang karaniwang hugis ng manibela?
contestant: Triangular

Host: Hindi ito boob, hindi ito tube, pero tinatawag ng iba na boob tube. Ano ito?
contestant: Bra

Host: Kelan ang Pasko sa Davao?
contestant: PASS…

Host: Anong tawag sa isdang hindi bilasa?
contestant: tuyo

Host: Ilan ang legs ng cartoon character na si Spiderman?
contestant: Eight

Host: Ano ang nationality ng sanggol na may amang Filipino Catholic at Protestanteng Ina?
Contestant: American

Host: Merong four seasons: winter, spring, summer, at fall. kelan nahuhulog ang mga dahon?
contestant: sa storm

Host: Anong bukol ang makikita sa leeg ng mga lalaki?
contestant: Kiss mark

Host: ano ang kulay ng orange juice kapag nilagay sa blue na baso?
contestant: …Violet

Host: anong malambot na bahagi sa ulo ng sanggol?
contestant: batok

Host: magbigay ng bagay na ipini-pin sadamit?
contestant: Hairpin

Host: Ano ang nagpapaalat sa itlog na maalat?
contestant: Puti

Host: ano ang tawag sa mga needle-like projections na nakasabit sa ceiling ng mga caves?
contestant: Ice pick

Host: ano ang tawag sa plastic bag na lalagyan ng basura?
contestant: plastic bag na nilalagyan ng basura.

Host: anong C ang paboritong kainin ng mga rabbit?
contestant: Cacamber

Host: ang urine ay liquid: TRUE OR FALSE
contestant: False

Host: anong ang system n g MAth na gumagamit ng symbols instead of numbers?
contestant: ummm…China?

Host: anong ginawa ni MOses sa Red Sea?
contestant: Stop

Host: what is the capital of the Philippines?
contestant: P

Host: anong klaseng sapatos ang ginagamit ng mga basketbolista?
contestant: adidas

Host: sino ang pumatay kay David?
contestant: Goliath

host: ano ang tawag sa taong walang suot sa paa?
contestant: Slipperless

Host: kung ang bulag ay blind ano naman ang english ng pipi?
contestant: Walang salita

Host: anong sea creature ang kalahating kabayo at kalahating isda?
contestant: syokoy

Host: ano ang nasa gitna ng donut?
contestant: palaman

Host: ang salad dressing ba ay damit
contestant: (sandaling nagisip) YES!

Host: Anong klaseng sasakyan ang inaayos sa hangar?
contestant: sirang sasakyan

host: ano ang nilalagay sa sewing machine?
contestant: lagari?

host: ilan taon meron sa leap year?
contestant: 365

host: anong hayop ang di-nakakakita sa sa araw ngunit nakakakita sa dilim?
contestant: flashlight

host: Ano ang tawag sa laro kung saan ang dalawang team ang naghihilahan sa isang lubid?
contestant: tumbang-preso

host: kung manicure sa kamay, ano ang sa paa?
contestant: kuko

host: ano ang isunusuot ng mg boksingero sa ulo nila bilang proteksyon?
contestant: Sumbrero

host: ano ang tawag sa laman sa loob ng buto: marrow or muscle?
contestant: karne

host: para saa ang anti-dandruff shampoo?
contestant: kuto

host: anong englis ng ampalaya?
contestant: asparagus

host: ilang metro mayroon sa 300 meters?
contestant: 3000

host: anong sasakyan ang gamit sa “tour de france”?
contestant: Kalesa

Host: ano ang kasunod ng kidlat?
contestant: sunog

host: saan matatagpuan ang Quebec?
contestant: afghanistan

host: tinuturo ang G-clef sa anong “M” na subject?
contestant: Mathematics

host: ano ang halaman na tumitiklop kapag ito’y nahawakan?
contestant: Hiya-hiya

host: ano ang itlog na ayon sa iba, nakakapagpatigas ng tuhod?
contestant: TAMA!

host: ano ang isinusuot ng taong walang buhok?
contestant: Kalbo

host: anong zip ang ginagamit sa pagbukas ng pantalon?
contestant: pagbukas ng bag

host: anong “D” ang first word sa stanza ng JIngle bells?
contestant: dyingel?

host: anong “H” ang tawag sa taong nagiisa?
contestant: home alone

host: Sa anong bansa nakatira ang mga Hindu?
contestant: hindunesia

host: kungang ubo ay sa bibig, ano naman ang sa ilong?
contestant: Vicks

host: ano ang kulay ng strawberry?
contestant: ube

host: anong klaseng animal ang Afghan Hound?
contestant: Afghanistan

host: sinong American president ang nagkapolyo noong 1920’s
contestant: Apolinario Mabini..

The War

2008-08-20T22:34:00.000-07:00

The War

Luigi Pirandello

(1867-1936)

Reading the story made me remember my dad. I don’t remember much about him but according to what his friends tell of him; my dad is a loving and affectionate person. He is reserved but is very cheerful. They say that my dad has a lot of plans for me and my brothers. I know for a fact that he wanted me to be either a ballet dancer or a gymnast. He’s a simple person; he is contented having simple things in life for as long as me and my brothers get the best things life could offer.

My father loved me and my brothers equally. He never believed in playing favorites. One clear memory of my father I have is the one where he was scolding me and my older brother. We were fighting on who between us did daddy love more. Daddy explained that he loved us equally, that he loves me in the same way he loves my brothers, regardless of who was born first.

That memory was affirmed by this story that a father loves his children through and through. He wants the best for his children, he has nothing but the best intentions for them. It hurts to realize that no matter how much I try to get my father back I can’t. I am to live a whole lifetime without my daddy.

The Loss and the Healing

2008-08-20T22:33:00.000-07:00

A Reflection on “The Loss and the Healing” by Sigrid Undset

Losing a loved one is hard, especially when one would think of the times he took that person for granted. There would be these “what if’s” and “should have, would have, could have’s.” I personally went through all these, coping death, moving on. I still can’t say I have moved on completely. It has been 14 years since my father died and sometimes, I still find myself in denial. I still wait for him to come back home. I think that is what’s good with us people, we hope against all hopes, we dare to believe in the impossible.

I could say that I was not able to process the death of my father well because I was too young back then. I was not able to address the pain the right way. I believe the key to moving on is processing the emotions well. It’s either we move on with smiles in our faces or we move on with bitterness and coldness. Moving on after a loss is not something we should rush, there is a saying that says time heals all wounds, I believe it is true. Time would kiss all the pain away. Moving on after a loss doesn’t mean we forget about the person, moving on is learning to live without the person, but it is never about forgetting how life was with him. Memories of that person should keep us going. I believe people meet after death. Those who have departed on us just went ahead on this new journey. They live their life after death and we live our life on earth, then maybe, just maybe, we meet again.

The Search

2008-08-20T22:32:00.000-07:00

The Search

Romain Gary

(1914- )

I am an escape artist. I try to find my way out of the bad situations I get myself into. I always try to find the easy way out. I am not contented with my life. When the times that I am unhappy with the way things go for me, I try to make myself believe that I am living in a different world. I pretend that I don’t know this life. Sometimes, reality scares me to the point that I almost want to give up on living and just escapes. Many times I have imagined myself just drifting far from where I am right now.

I have always tried to prove my worth to the people around me, I hate being compared to people, especially when I know that I’ll never be of the same level as that certain someone. As I was growing up, I was always compared to my best friend; she’s smart and pretty, very talented and friendly. I am not that. I have lived my high school life trying to make people see that I am smart but I don’t want to be recognized. I don’t want to exhaust myself trying to get all the medals available for awarding. I was only able to step out of the shadows when I left UPLB. It was a drastic move to make everyone see that I am not willing to be someone else’s dummy. Escaping out of the shadows, I did that being a deviant. Defying the norms and disobeying the rules my society has imposed on me. I am an escape artist.

Gym Period

2008-08-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

Gym Period

Rainer Maria Rilke

(1875-1926)

I have the tendency to treat others as if they are inferior especially when I think they are not as smart as me. I enjoy classifying people, boxing them in a certain label that I often find funny. I seldom realize that this causes people to feel bad about themselves. Maybe this is because I grew up constantly trying to prove my worth to the people I am supposed to call family. They have looked down on me, they believe that I won’t amount to anything really special or exceptional. I project my issues to other people. Instead of helping them feel better and just embrace their flaws, I make fun of them and I make them feel like they’re hopeless.

I can say that I can relate with almost every character in the story. I can see myself in Gruber, the one who’s constantly trying to prove his worth, not only to others but also to himself, to Jerome, the kind friend who’s trying to make other’s see what they’re really made of, and those who never believed in anyone. This story got me thinking of how the people I “mistreated” could have felt.

Earliest Memories

2008-08-20T22:30:00.000-07:00

Earliest Memories

Arthur Koestler

(1905- )

Guit. Fear. Loneliness. I have had my share of those since I was young. Though I am not really comfortable discussing these things, this story got me to reflect on them.

My earliest memory of guilt and fear was when I was tasked to take care of my younger brother. I took my brother to the playground, I forgot to watch over him because I was too busy playing with my friends. He only got my attention when he was crying. He fell from where he was sitting and his forehead hid the corner of a table. His head swelled up and it turned blue and black. I was scared when we went home because mom might scold me, but my younger brother did not cry, when he was asked what happened to him, he just said that he fell because he did not listen to me. My brother didn’t want me to get in trouble.

My earliest memory of loneliness was when my daddy died when I was five. It was a sad experience for the whole family. The worst part was when we returned home after dad was buried, it was then that I realized that things will never be the same again. Dad won’t be coming home anymore; I won’t be seeing my father dance in a funny way whenever he’s trying to make my mom notice him. I do not have my father with me anymore.

I think it is quite unfair that memories of guilt, fear and loneliness marks my childhood, but I can’t do anything about it now. I just have to make the most out of my life now.

A Reflection on the "Bridal Ballad" by Edgar Allan Poe

2008-08-20T22:29:00.000-07:00

Bridal Ballad

by Edgar Allan Poe

The ring is on my hand,

And the wreath is on my brow;

Satin and jewels grand

Are all at my command,

And many a rood of land

And I am happy now.

And my lord he loves me well;

But, when first he breathed his vow,

I felt my bosom swell—

And the voice seemed his who fell

For the words rang as a knell,

In the battle down the dell,

And who is happy now.

But he spoke to re-assure me,

And he kissed my pallid brow,

While a reverie came o'er me,

And to the church-yard bore me,

And I sighed to him before me,

"Oh, I am happy now!"

And thus the words were spoken,

And this the plighted vow,

And, though my faith be broken,

And, though my heart be broken,

Behold the golden token

That proves me happy now!

Would God I could awaken!

For I dream I know not how!

And my soul is sorely shaken

Lest an evil step be taken,—--

Lest the dead who is forsaken

May not be happy now.

“Sometimes when we are into something for quite sometime, we tend to forget what we’re there for. We tend to forget what we are fighting for. We become scared, we feel empty, and we start to doubt. But there would always be that something or someone to remind us of the purpose of all the pain and the possible heartbreaks.

When a person decides to be happy, he should be aware of the reality that the road to being happy is not an easy path to take, many sacrifices has to be made, many hearts should be broken along the way, and yes, even one’s own heart could be at risk. It’s just a matter of never losing faith and knowing what one wants for these things would keep him on track.

This poem for me speaks of the pre-nuptial jitters a bride gets when she realizes the great commitment she’s getting herself into: scary and complicated, but she still dives in it willingly, for she knows she will be happy. She believes that she will be happy."

If I were Huck Finn, Where Would I Go?

2008-08-20T22:26:00.000-07:00

When I don’t like the place I am in, I always dream of going far, escaping from everything, I like going to Don Bosco Batulao. It is a breath of fresh air compared to my normal environment. The serene ambience makes me feel relaxed and it comforts my stressed body. I just like sitting there and just staying quiet. When alone, I am awfully quiet. I don’t talk much because when I am alone, those are the times that I get to be in touch with my real self. I get to reflect on the things that I have done. And I get to see why my life turned out to be like this.

But of course, Don Bosco Batulao is not a place where I can stay for a long time, that is why I’ll go to the airport and fly to Paris. Since I was a child I have always been fascinated with the lifestyles of the Parisians. It would be a great place to start my adventures, living alone. There I could study Culinary Arts and since it is the gallimaufry of different cultures, I could see have the whole world in one city. I would go and see the Eiffel Tower, go shopping in their great stores and just live the life. It would be a place to just treat myself for a job well done, and just enjoy my life. It would be a great place to start my life over.

At the end of the day, I would still want to be back home in the arms of my family, because no matter how unfair my life could be, my family would always be the people I would come home to. That may not be my real family, but the family I choose for myself.

Pa-post lang...

2008-08-20T22:25:00.000-07:00

post ko dito mga pinasa kong requirements sa English-American Literature, Creative Writing at Contemporary Literature.

On Attachment...

2008-08-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

This afternoon, I sat beside my classmate Jules during my Educational Research Class. We got into this conversation about attachment and detachment. I actually, it was more like me talking and him listening to me.

I fear being attached to people, but in contradiction to that fear, I seem to be a very friendly person on the outside, I like being with people, I don’t like being alone. After leaving UPLB, I resolved not to be attached to people anymore, because in UP, I depended on people for my happiness, I depended on my friends whenever I was to make a decision, and not many people know that I left UP partly because one of my dearest friends decided to leave UP. I could not imagine my life in UP without him, (sounds too mushy…and it kind of freaks me out too…) let me put it this way; I find it hard to imagine my life in UP not having him around… (Does that sound better?) Anyways, so there, I left UP and when I decided to move to don Bosco I kind of promised myself that I would be concentrating more in my academics rather than my social night for I have had my great share of the life with friends when I was in UP. But later on, I realized that being attached to people is kind of inevitable. And slowly, I was yet again on the same pit I was on a year ago. The only difference is that this time, I felt good about it. I did not look at my batch mates as mere classmates, I treated them like family. I love them so much, and after almost three years of togetherness, I am definitely attached to them.

Attachment to them is not bad, not at all, but there would come a time when I would have to learn to detach from them, for my growth, for our friendships’ growths. I fear the time when I would have to do that. I would tell my self, “Pa’no na sila kung wala ako?” but moreover, “Pa’no na ako kung wala sila?” I can’t seem to imagine life without them. I am scared of the pain, that’s why last summer I tried to detach myself from them which was kind of unsuccessful. I prayed, “Please, wag po muna…di ko pa po yata kaya ng wala sila…” I know that time will come I would have to learn to detach, but I hope I’d be given more time, more time to gain enough strength. Haaay…

This is basically the reason why Patrick Menorca said that I was a walking contradict. I do against what I feel. A great pretender.

But I guess, that is life, people come and go. As what Jules said, “Time and people may leave, but memories will be treasured forever.”

super stressed me...

2008-08-17T21:11:00.000-07:00

preparations sa SLA really wore me out, dagdag mo pa dyan yung personal struggles ko...

here's a shout out to the people na nasigawan ko at nabugahan ko ng sama ng loob nitong nakaraan:

SORRY

kay jerome cortes: super inaway-away ko after ng SLA...

kina alex, arvin, lloyd, nene, thriza, madel, ruby, lino at earl, dagdag ulit si Jerome....ful;l force ng kabadtripan ko during dance practices...

sa mga taga Caritas na tinaray tarayan ko...

kay frank from makati na super inaway away ko...

sa mga natarayan kong delegates...

sa mga taga canlubang...

kay ma'am bot...

kay aries at jerome quinto...

sa mga taong nakilala, makita at makasama...

2008-08-17T21:04:00.000-07:00

kina:
ian punsalan
alex at aris
raffy at gabby
borgie
ron

bea
dada
aileen

enzo at frank

sa tga tarlac na pinangakuan kong payat na ko next SLA...

sa mga taga Canluabg na sabik sa camera...

kay fr. Eli...
fr. jay
fr. jun
fr. vester at fr. dudz...

SOLID ang SLA dahil sa inyo...

sa mga taong nakilala, makita at makasama...

2008-08-17T21:00:00.000-07:00

"Aim for Heaven"

2008-08-17T20:45:00.000-07:00

"Lilipad na ako,
sabayan nyo ako
ang sarap dito,
sa pupuntahan ko..."

Sabini Fr. Mon, this song was composed and sung daw way brfore Raymond Marasigan was born, according to him in his homily, this song was first sung by Mary as she was taken up to heaven. She invites us to join her. Heaven is not a place up there, we can have heaven here and now.

The love of our family,
the company of our friends,
beautiful smiles on children's faces...
THAT"S HEAVEN: HERE AND NOW.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

2008-08-07T01:12:00.000-07:00

This evening, i was about to go home when i was torn between two choices, whether to pass by the chapel or not. I usually go to the chapel before i go home but i was unusually tardy to go and visit God kanina. Then I thought that i would be walking home so I might as well ask for a little guidance from Him. So, i went to the chapel. The seminarians, then, were having their Benediction. Almost reaching the Shrine's door, i saw a friend sitting on the plant box. I tapped his shoulder and when he turned, i saw him crying. My heart broke at that instant. I have never seen him cry, ever. He's a very strong guy. Oftentimes, i depend on him for strength. I felt pain on my insides, as if my heart was being twisted. I hugged him, because i was at a loss for the right words to say. I hugged him tight and I told him, "Kaya mo yan!", though i was not really sure of what was running through his head. I left him for a while because i did not want to cry with him. I thought that i should at least stand strong for him. I went inside the chapel and the song that was playing gave me the chills.

"Be not afraid, I go beore you always. Come, follow me and i will give you rest."

I felt as if God was telling me exactly this. That i should not be scared. I looked at my friend again who was looking at the Sacred Host from the outside. Maybe he was tired, I thought. I prayed for him hard. I did not want to see him in pain, not like that. I went out again and gave him a tight hug and left. I was crying while i was walking. I felt weak. I have always seen that friend of mne as someone so strong and yet, he was there, weak and hurting. I was not able to do anything. People get tired of being who they are and when they do, they turn to the One who could give us much comfort. At one point or another we fall into our knees, we get weak, we become the human beings we truly are and we turn to Him. When we get scared of what lies before us, we flee to Him like children. We turn to Him for strength, for inspiration, we turn to God for love. Seeing my friend like that, made me look into myself. I am weak too. I am not that strong, i fall down so many times more that that friend of mine. And it is okay to cry, it is okay to admit that i can't go on anymore and that i need rest. it is okay to get weak, to get tired. It is okay. There is this someone who love me still and He will never get tired of listening to me cry. Even if we are not the most attractive people when we cry, He'll lovingly look at us and listen. We must not be afraid to admit that we are human, afterall, it is how He made us to be. I know my friend is hurting, but i leave it to God to comfort Him. I realized that his situation may be way beyond what i can understand. That's why i leave it to the one who knows best. That's another thing i learned today, learn to let go and let things flow. There would come times where things would go beyond my powers and i must leave it to God and just let Him to the rest. I must not be afraid for he's always with me...

Rector's Day

2008-07-31T17:57:00.000-07:00

The first day of August was indeed a great day for all Bosconians from Canlubang. we celebrate the birthday of Fr. Louie Castañeda, SDB the Rector of Don Bosco College. It was a gloomy day having rain showers here and there, but that did not stop the Bosconians from brightening up the day with their mighty cheers and yells.

The Bosconians showcased their presentations for Fr. Rector. Personally, the TVET students brought the house down with their very entertaining production numbers. Ron and I hosted the event and it was fun to see the Bosconians give their all to put on a good show.

I would commend the seminarials also for the wonderful Doxology, they were really, and i mean, really good.

Fr. Louie announced that the classes will be cut in the afternoon, this added to the happiness of the Bosconians. It was a great experience for me and i thnk, for everybody.

my Elysium

2008-07-30T23:30:00.000-07:00

"national level na ito!"

2008-07-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

Me getting into all sorts of activities and being a leader of some sort, me representing the college department in gatherings here and there, there and here...Ma'am Bot and i would often joke about this and just laugh about it. But come to think of it, what if i really got to the national level? from someone so insignificant, i'll be someone that people would recognize and people would (hopefully) love...it's so nice to think about it and just dream...i imagine candy colored clouds and just pink stuff...all glittery and shiny. but then my dream bubble would suddenly pop. *pop* all gone.

ako: Jessa Mariel, ikaw pa ba yan?
ako2: bakit? hindi na ba?
ako: kelan ka pa nag-enjoy mag-alive-alive, magleader-leaderan jan?
ako2: ngayon, nag-eenjoy ako...
ako: tingin mo ba ikaw yung nagugustuhan nila, at di yung magarang pabalat na pinaglagyan mo sa sarili mo?
ako2: sana...
ako: Ikaw na rin ang nagsabi na ayaw mo na ng mga bagay na di sigurado, pano na tayo?

*pop*
back to me...ayun nga, sometimes i feel na di na ako yung minamahal ng tao, kasi i'm not really the friendly type, i'm not the kind of person who always wear this happy cheerface when you see me. I'm gloomy may pagka-emo pa...

pero what if this is me and i'm really born for this? ad maiora natus, born for greater things nga diba? baka ito na yung great things na sinasabi nila? why deprive myself of such great opportunities?

conclusion: take each day as a new one, enjoy the things given, grab the opportunities handed down...learn from each mistake and resolve to do better...

whew! hirap mag-isa!

"My Favorite Mistake"

2008-07-27T22:57:00.000-07:00

i found this somewhere in my notes as i was cleaning up my stuff. It was dated December 30, 2006. I wrote it, and i can't remember why...

"i don't know how it all started, i don't even want to remeber why. i just find myself looking for it, missing it: those little stolen moments i get to have those little peeks to heaven. the deafening silence breaks my heart, but then it also builds up in me this tingling sensation i just can't resist. with a flick of a finger, with that little smile, i cannot but want it more and more. this little things keep me sane, these little things keep me here. i'd give up anything for a little more of this, just a little more. i don't know when all these will be taken away from me, but i am loving the little rendezvous, the holding of the hands, the sweet kisses, i am loving him, silently, SILENTLY. He doesn't know, or maybe he does, i think he loves me. but all these will be soon taken away from me. I'll miss the touch, i'll miss the kiss, then all of these. All gone. SILENTLY... silently."

Youth groups ko....

2008-07-24T00:05:00.000-07:00

na-realize ko ang dami kong sinign-up-an na youth groups:

Auxilium (The mArian Liturgy Group) ---syempre, pioneer ako nyan eh! hehehe!
Street Jazz ---honorary member ako last year! (self-proclaimed) fwehahaha!
Folk Dance ---frustration ko to nung high school
Utak-Berde ---gusto ko yung vision ng group
Cooking ---i don't know how to cook, pero i looove to eat! heehee!

gusto ko pa sana mag Juventus...kaso.. wag na lang. Hahaha!

kasi bukod dyan, meron pa akong:

BUSKOLEHIYO ---College Publication team
Class Representatives ---Class representatives... hahaha!

"Nasa pagdadala lang yan..."

2008-07-23T23:55:00.000-07:00

wala lang, nagchi-chikahan kami ni jm kahapon ng maalala ko ang mga kabutihang naidulot ng batang si roman sa buhay ko. si roman ay isa sa dalawang batchmate kong tumawag sa kin ng 'ate'. actually, pag matino ako, tawag nya sa kin yun, pero pag medyo basag-ulo mode ako, 'Jessa' na tawag nya sa kin. Di masyadong malambing si Roman, usually tahimik lang sya and mukang masungit. Kaya lagi ko syang sinasabihang ngumiti kahit konti. I deeply apprecialte the times na nag-aadvice sya sa kin or samin ni Cielo. Hanga ako kay roman sa tibay ng loob nya, di ko pa sya nakitang magalit, badtrip, oo, pero galit, hindi pa. Tahimik nga kasi sya, kung galit sya, sinasarili nya lang, patunay nun ang right hand nya. Mabait si Roman, thoughtful sya, naalala ko pag badtrip ako, or pag sad ako, sya yung laging nattyempo na nandun para kumausap sa kin. Naalala ko one time, i was super exhausted na dahil sa preparations para sa Senakulo namin nung March 2007. Sya yung nagcomfort sa kin, at nagsabing, lahat kami napapagod. Lahat ng tao may kanya-kanyang ikinakapagod. that made me realize one thing, lahat ng tao, nay dinadalang mabigat na problema, ang tanong lang dyan, kung pano mo dadalhin yun. Naisip ko, yung mga classmates kong sems, di naman sila immune sa problema eh, pero di evident sa kanilang may problema sila kasi they know how to carry themselves. I don't know Roman well, i am basing this lang on my encounters with him. Pero i am proud of this guy. Very proud, keep it up, 'man.

One trait I learn from Roman is resilience. Parang bamboo plant, sumasabay sa agos, pero hindi nagpapadala pag tinutumba na sya ng hangin. Mabugbog man, tumatayo pa rin. Nappractice ko na ng konti yung resilience. Konting tyaga pa.

I know kung matuloy si Roman sa pagpapari, magiging magaling syang Salesian. mabuti kasi syang tao, great faith: check, great personality: check, good heart: check! o diba. Swerte ko sa "batchmates" ko, di kasi ako napapariwara pag kasama ko sila, i think it is a good thing na pag may naiisip akong kalokohan, naiisip ko kung anong sasabihin nila pag nalaman nila, kaya napipigilan ako, kaya everyday i pray for them eh, kasi they keep me sane. hehehe!

pag kakamustahin ko si roman, lagi lang nyang sagot, "Eto, buhay pa." Minsan nakakainis, and minsan super predictable na ito ang isasagot nya, parang ang babaw ng dating sa kin nung una, pero kung iisipin, tama naman, buhay pa tayo, and it is something to be thankful for. We have the chance to make today better than yesterday, We have the opportunity to see the world one more, yeah, siguro our worlds are not as pretty as we want them to be, pero sabi nga ni roman, "Nasa pagdadala lang yan."

Creative Writing

2008-07-16T21:44:00.000-07:00

(photo from http://imagecache2.allposters.com/images/pic/GAN/NAY-022M~Eggplant-Posters.jpg)

This morning, in our Creative Writing Class we were made to pick an item from this creepy jar Mr. Vergara brought to class. The activity freaked me out, especially the picking part. I got a wilt eggplant. It was crinkly and dry...all the life sucked out of it. We were made to write whatever came to our minds, my classmates had items like a Barney stuffed toy, a piece of clay, a toy lizard and other stuff like that.

I was commended for my work, it's an emo-ish piece of shit. hehehe!

Useless. I hate the feeling of being useless. I want to be busy. I want to work. I work hard, i work hard. Then I'm wilt, I get tired. My colors fade, I shine less. Useless. I get sad, I think of myself as someone so invaluable, so small, so powerless. Useless. Death. I die a thousand deaths even before my body would. I die when i see them happy without me. Useless. I die when i can't be with him. I die when he cries, I die when he's quiet. I die when he's bitter, I die when i get blamed. I die, slowly, slowly. I die when i smile and cry inside. I cry when i am at peace with Him. I cry when i miss the kiss. I die. I let go when i die, then i hold back again when i come alive. I come alive when they smile. I am alive. But time will come, their s,miles won't make me alive. Then i am truly dead. I die. I'll be useless when i die. I die when i am scared. I die when i see frogs. I die little by little. I die when my mommy cries, i die when my kuya's being the ass that he really is . I die, I died when Fr. Roel left three years ago. Useless. When i can't do the things i am told. I lose my head, i wilt, my colors fade, my shine falters me. I am scared, i am petrified of lizards, snakes and frogs, of rats and of fluffy creatures, dead or alive, they're scary. I die. I scream, i shout. Then I'm tired, I write, I clear my head, I cry, I sleep. i see Barney and i get this nasty feeling, I see mangoes and I remember home. I see snakes I remember my mom, I see a piece of clay i remember my daddy. He's dead, he's dead. He's a wilt piece of something and nothing will change that. He got tired. I am in pain. He died. He's dead. He was killed. I've been killed before I've been killed. Then i am dead. Useless, lifeless, wilt. I'm dead.

Happy Birthday, Jules!

2008-07-14T14:49:00.000-07:00

JULES BRIAN D. PUNSALAN, a guy with a smile that can light up any room, a guy with great beauty in and out and an even greater love for our Lord.

Jules has this air of mystery.I find it hard reading his emotions, he’s very unpredictable, but in a nice way. Jules is very cute, we often name him as “the pinaka-gwapong Bosconian ng DB Canlubang”, and many people agree. Yeah, he may have his flaws, but he carries them with grace, he embraces them and he makes them work for him. More than the physical attributes, Jules’ personality is very striking, and he’s friendly and very approachable. His charm adds up to his “pogi points.” Jules is a very humble person, he’s reserved and quiet most of the times but he’s very funny too. He’s not afraid of laughing his mistakes as he resolves to do better next time. I admire Jules for being very dedicated in the things he does, he’s very diligent especially with his studies. My personal encounters with this fellow are like my daily dose of sanity. I am a year older than him but he would always sound like he’s my kuya. He gives advises well. Honestly, nahihiya pa rin ako sa kanya even though we have been friends for almost two years now. I like it when Jules reads, especially when he reads something he wrote, i feel his sincerity when i hear his voice. That’s why i treasure the times he shares a part of his life with me. Indeed, i can say that i am very blessed to meet him. He knows how to comfort people when they are sad, he has this cute smile that works every time. I like it too when he makes kulit with us. I remember three things when i think of Jules, roosters, rosary and the song “Life is a Beautiful Thing.” Jules likes roosters, he even knows the names of the breeds! Rosary: when i was very distraught and depressed, he gave me a rosary and he said that it was special for him, since then, I have always kept that rosary close to me. Life is a Beautiful Thing: Jules is a reminder for me that life is a beautiful thing. “Kahit na may problema, nabubuhay pa rin tayo, parte lang naman ng buhay ang problema.” Without exaggeration, I believe that Jules is an angel not just to me but also to those whose lives he’s touched.

whining, crying, screaming

2008-07-07T23:47:00.000-07:00

now i feel the pain of living in two worlds, two worlds that are oblivious to the existence of the other. I am caught in between two things: the place where i want to be in, and the place where i am expected to be in. I feel pain because of the fact that i cannot do anything but just sit and wait for things to fall (hopefully, whenre i want them to be.) Right now, i am not sure of what i want, i am not sure of what i feel, i am not sure. Well, what's new, i have lived most of my life in uncertainty, i have lived most of my life, not planning ahead, living each day as if it was my last. But you know what, honestly, it gets a little too tiring.

I need a hand to hold on to, but i am not sure which hand to take. my heart is broken, but these things make it whole, the irony of loving is starting to take its toll on me. Forgive me for feeling like i am being punished for the choices i have made in the past. I given another chance, i would have chosen better, but thinking about it, if i knew that this was to happen i would have played safe, i would have learned nothing from all these. i am not regretting the choices i have made, the pain is worth it, i just feel sad for the people i might be hurting because of these.

i am confused. i feel like i am getting myself in a big commitment. i cannot have the best of both worlds, for a while, it could work for me, but there would come a time wehre i would have to make a decision and just stick with one and let go of the other.

if all else fails, i could let go of both and start anew. (READ: total self-destruction)

pain and agony combo...

2008-06-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

i am starting to get bored with having to go to class everyday and read a whole lot of stuff that clearly doesn't make sense to me. I am very bored and i need to do something better with my life. I have tried to make some sense out of the thigs i usually do. I attended the volleyball try-outs last Saturday. Instead of making me feel beter, i even felt worse than before. My arms hurt badly, i can't even move them properly. We did push ups, sit ups, jogging, stretching, and a whole lot of body movements that is not normally done by sane people. After three days, my left arm has started to regain it's normal condition but my right arm is starting to get worse. I am thinking of waiting for it to decay and just have it amputated. I cried over my arms last night. I can't sleep well and i wake up really early. I can't rest well because of this.

this is what you call working for what you want, i want to play volleyball, i must go through the pains and hardships, this got me to think, do i really want this. Parang sakit lang ng katawan abot ko dito.

procastinator no more...(wanna bet?)

2008-06-17T18:42:00.000-07:00

people talk shit when you're not like them...with the big 'L' in the forehead.
it's like them telling you you'll never amount to something when you're...you.

shit happens.

2008-04-30T04:15:00.000-07:00

**deja vu ba ito? pangalawang beses ko na ieencode ang entry na ito. nag shut down ang computer na ginamot ko kamina, yun ang kagandahan ng pageencode gamit ang blogger, may auto save sila, eh pag nagccross post lang ako, from multiply to blogger, wala. kaya sa mga ganung pagkakataon, uulitin ko sa umpisa, pag minamalas ka nga naman**

"Malalaman mo lang ang tunay na halaga ng isang bagay sa'yo pag nawala na sila sa'yo."

time check: 6:38 p.m.

True, and baaaadtrip, ngayon ko lang narerealize tong mga bagay na 'to. ngayon ako nalulungkot, umiiyak...miss ko na high school friends ko...Karen, Amae, Marou, Lara, Efrel, and Donna too...nakakaguilty pero parang i practically pushed memories with them aside kasi masaya na ako ngayon. naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi all the while i thought sila yung umiwan sa kin, whereas ako pala nagtulak sa kanila palayo, ako yung nang-iwan. Kung tutuusin , sila parin yung best set of friends that i ever had...sila kasi yung nagtyaga sa kin for the longest time, for years and years, they've been patient with me, sa mga kadramahan ko, sa kaartehan ko, sa kaligaligan ko, sa mga tantrums ko, sa pangungulit ko, sa kasungitan ko, never nila ako iniwan, never sila nagreklamo, parang kahit i was in my self destructive mode na, they loved me pa rin. Hanga ako sa tolerance nila, and ngayon ko lang narerealize to? i am such an ungrateful bum. i hate it.

miss ko na silang lahat. lalo na si karen. i am very sorry for what has become of us. i hope it's not yet too late. nakakainis. nakakafrustrate. back to basics...bago ako makarating kung san man, sila ang pinanggalingan ko...

time check: 7:38 p.m.

You'll always be my Baby

2008-04-24T20:52:00.000-07:00

got hooked to A.I. when i heard David Cook sing this song...

oooh! so in love right now.

Always Be my Baby
David Cook

we were as one babe
for a moment in time
and it seemed everlasting
that you would always be mine
now you want to be free
so I'm letting you fly
cause i know in my heart babe
our love will never die,no!

you'll always be a part of me
i'm a part of you indefinitely
boy don't you know you can't escape me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
and we'll linger on
time can't erase a feeling this strong
no way you're never gonna shake me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby

i ain't gonna cry no
and i won't beg you to stay
if you're determined to leave boy
i will not stand in your way
but inevitably you'll be back again
cause ya know in your heart babe
our love will never end no

you'll always be a part of me
i'm part of you indefinitely
boy don't you know you can't escape me
ooh darling cause you'll always be my baby
and we'll linger on
time can't erase a feeling this strong
no way you're never gonna shake me
ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby

i know that you'll be back boy
when your days and your nights get a little bit colder ooohhh
i know that,you'll be right back, baby
oh, baby believe me it's only a matter of time
of time

you'll always be a part of me
i'm part of you indefinitely
boy don't you know you can't escape me
ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby
and we'll linger on (and we will linger on)
time cant erase a feeling this strong
no way you're never gonna shake me
ooh darlin cause you'll always be my baby

Kiss, Kiss, Kiss!

2008-04-17T20:01:00.000-07:00

I found this collection of definitions:

Professors of different subjects define the same word different
ways.
Prof. of Algebra: Kiss is two divided by nothing.
Prof. of Geometry: Kiss is the shortest distance between two
straight lines.
Prof. of Physics: Kiss is the contraction of mouth due to the
expansion of the heart.
Prof. of Chemistry: Kiss is the reaction of the interaction
between two hearts.
Prof. of Zoology: Kiss is the interchange of unisexual salivary
bacteria.
Prof. of Physiology: Kiss is the juxtaposition of two orbicularis
oris muscles in the state of contraction.
Prof. of Dentistry: Kiss is infectious and antiseptic.
Prof. of Accountancy: Kiss is a credit because it is profitable when
returned.
Prof. of Economics: Kiss is that thing for which the demand is
higher than the supply.
Prof. of Statistics: Kiss is an event whose probability depends on
the vital statistics of 36-24-36
Prof. of Philosophy: Kiss is the persecution for the child, ecstasy
for the youth and homage for the old.
Prof. of English: Kiss is a noun that is used as a conjunction;
it is more common than proper; it is spoken in
the plural and it is applicable to all
Prof. of Engineering: What is a Kiss?

More serious thoughts on the matter:

"A Kiss is a peculiar proposition. Of no use to one, yet
absolute bliss to two. The small boy gets it for nothing, the young
man has to steal it, and the old man has to buy it. It is the
baby's right, the lover's privilege, and the hypocrite's mask. To
young girl, faith; married woman, hope; old maid, charity. A Kiss
can be a comma, quotation mark or an exclamation point. It is also
a pleasant reminder that two heads are better than one."

"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything." --Alex Karev (Grey's Anatomy)

14 years without him....

2008-04-17T19:43:00.000-07:00

Today marks my daddy's 14th death anniversary. 14 years without my father. Memories of the night he died would come into my mind from time to time. My brothers and I were sleeping with Mami in my parents' room. I was five. We were woken up bya grandmother who lived two houses away, she looked really scared when we saw her, i remember standing behind Mami, holding my kuya's hand. Then she told Mami the news, my dad was shot in the head and arrived dead in the hospital. I couldn't remember the things that happened next.

the next thing i recall: being in my lola's house watching people "freak out in our house" we were wondering what was going on there, but a relative handed us a blue plastic bag with 4 ponkans. Daddy's pasalubong for us.

Next memory: sitting on my ninong's lap asking him where my daddy was, he blankly pointed to the coffin in front of us, then i asked, "Di ba nahihirapan si daddy dun? ang sikip." He just shook his head then started to cry.

We didn't understand. For years and years, my younger brother thought that daddy would be returning home soon, maybe as he grew older, he finally came to the realization that daddy isn't coming back anytime soon.

My dad was a great guy, he didn't drink alcohol, he didn't smoke, he just had this passion for roosters. Whenever he'd win bets with cockfighting, he'd take home roasted chicken for our family to share. I'd also remember riding his jeepney early in the morning to take Mami to work, then we'd buy spaghetti worth 10 pesos and we'd eat it by making a hole on the corner of the plastic and pushing the spaghetti out of it.

I miss my dad so much...

no matter where life takes me, at the end of the day, i'm still dadi's little girl...

Bowling

2008-04-13T17:39:00.000-07:00

I am not good at bowling, you know how frustrated i become when i do sports. I am not good at anything. Back when i was in UPLB, we treated bowling like an up sized version of jolens, we never played it seriously. Having the chance to play real bowling made me really nervous. The people i was with were professionals, they played bowling with passion. As i was playing, i wanted to disappear into thin air. I was not making any of the pins fall down. Not even close. But when i turn my back to see my companions, they were all there smiling at me, cheering me on, as if telling me that i could do better next time. I felt happy. Hearing their words of encouragement made me try harder. At the end of the game, i had numbers opposite my name, i made scores. I made pins fall down. Thanks to them who believed in me.

I failed a lot of times, but they never lost faith that i could do better on my next try.

balik UPLB...

2008-04-10T22:17:00.000-07:00

last Tuesday, April 8, 2008, i came back to the University of the Philippines in Los Baños to meet some of my friends. The place is pretty much the same, save for the new stores along the Grove and the functional building beside the Office of the University Registrar. They also have a new traffic system, jeepneys no longer pass infront of BioSci but instead pass behind the Main Library. They have "Kaliwa" and "Kanan" on the signs on the windshields of the jeepneys. Kaliwa jeeps would pass by the Math building and the Kanan jeeps would pass by the Raymundo Gate. The environment is still friendly as usual. The trees around gives me a certain sense of warmth, it still feels like home to me. I haven't walked along the Carabao park for almost 2 years already, the huge heads of the Carabaos were repainted and they look new. The KwekKwek tower seems to lose it's vibrance as its paint is starting to fade away. I was with Marius, we both "voluntarily" left UPLB summer of 2006. We were reminiscing about our fondest memories of each place we visit. Our usual lunch outs at Elen's inside the Raymundo village, the time we watched a UP-choice perform at the DL Umali hall, the day we first met at the NCAS building, our merienda sessions at MCdonald's, our billiard games at the student Union building...so many memories.
When we got inside the campus, a few students roam the streets of the campus, we rarely saw familiar faces, that's why we got into this contest of meeting more friends. I had a head start, as i saw my bloc mate Gib, who was surprisingly excited to see me again. When we ate at Mcdo, we saw some of our batchmates together, two of them were my former classmates in English 1 and 2, but none of them recognized me. Somehow, i felt that i didn't really fit in there anymore.
To end the day, we ate dinner at eLBi square. i was with Brylle, rap, Pal and Nathan, they're all from Davao and i would often hang-out with them when we were freshies. Before, i barely understood their conversations because they would talk to each other using their vernacular language, but i never felt out of place. i really enjoy being with them. Before, whenever i'd feel upset with my barkada, i would go to mangoville to hang out with them.
I am happy going back to eLBi, bittersweet experience, Pal and i wanted to go back, but obviously, we cant. we were just happy to see everyone doing okay. eLBi is still a home for me. Still the place where i learned to be patient and be with people. I have changed a lot, eLBi made me feel that, I have grown a lot. My decision to leave was affirmed. I am happy. Happy to be friends still with the people i considered family two years ago. *wink*

whoa...

2008-03-28T18:50:00.000-07:00

last night, i was watching a lat night drama anthology. I broke down into tears. it spoke about me, or at least the main character was in the same position i'm in. i realized what my tendencies could be, what i am capable of doing to fill up the gaps of my broken self. i was scared. i didn't realize that i could have that monster inside me, i could be that bad, i could be that miserable (more miserable than now.)

just like her, I like the feeling of being needed and when i am shoved aside, i get sad, i get frustrated, i feel useless. i don't like the feeling of being left out and i hate being left alone. i cover up sadness by making myself busy with all sorts of stuff. i long for security and affection, i try to get these from the people i am with. i cling on to people and i find it hard to let go...

i might need help...

permanence...

2008-03-26T02:26:00.000-07:00

This is one topic i really fins hard to talk about: LOVE. When the discussion seems to lean towards this side, i often get loud and obnoxious, trying to avoid being serious about it, trying to avoid intimate conversations. Weird? Maybe.

Takot ako eh, i am not comfortable having people near me, i am not used to that, i am not used to having people hugging me, embracing me, it's not that i don't like the feeling, i just feel scared when people come near me. I fear being attached to people, i fear being committed. Siguro kasi, in my life, nothing has been permanent, kaya takot ako pag may tumatagal sa kin. I know how painful it is to lose something, to lose someone, i haven't mastered the art of losing. kahit na sabihing i've been losing things and people all my life. It's something i'll never get used to. Yes, i may be immune to the pain already but i may never get over it.

There's this one that i am holding on to, that i want to be permanent. I want to hold on to this for a long time. i don't want to let go.

High School...

2008-03-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

Sino-sino to:

si boris...

si "Tweety Bird" a.k.a. Sarimanok...

si Garfield...

si Corpse Bride...

si Miriam Defensor-Santiago...

si Bugs Bunny...

si Suki...

si embang...

si jheprox...

si batcom...

si pusa...

si kalabaw...

Saan ang...

Saudi...

Clinic...

"Tulay"...

Public...

Bakit...?

Eskalabeytor and tawag sa hagdan sa tabi ng library?

madalas maudlot ang quizzes sa biology and Religion nung second Year?

madalas akong late kahit maaga umaalis ng bahay?

laging late kami sa math pagkatapos mag Cathecism sa Public?

tatlo ang kulay ng buhok ni Tweety Bird?

nalaglag ang dalawang batchmates ko sa eskalabeytor?

bawal pahiran ng floorwax ang eskalabeytor?

laging nauubos ang papel ng katabi ko?

walang tumulong sa nalaglag doon?

walang tao sa saudi?

laging pinaghihiwalay ng upuan si embang at jheprox?

random Questions...

saan nakuha ang pangalang "Embang"?

sino ang nagtatag ng magazine na tumuligsa sa mga nakakataas noon?

sino ang nag vandal sa mga cubicle ng cr sa pamamagitan ng kulangot?

bakit di excusable maglinis ng cr gamit ang bunot?

bakit walang pumupunta sa mga reunions?

bakit napasali ako sa Lacasa?

may himala ba?

saan napunta ang freedom board ng 4-Laura?

bakit di magandang magtago ng cellphone pag retreat?

lastly,

bakit lahat tayo gumradweyt???

nabaliw na po sya....

2008-03-25T17:17:00.000-07:00

waaaahh!

time out, pwede!

di ko kaya to!

wait lang, okay?

wait lang. pause muna, rewind, play!

di ako 'sing bait ng inaakala nyo...

2008-03-25T04:01:00.000-07:00

i have my flaws,

makulit...kakasabi mo lang itatanong ulit...

"retard"...may pagka-abno, di gumagawa ng tama...

selfish...puro sarili na lang...

"deaf-mute"...di marunong makinig, di sumasagot pag tinatanong...

superhero symdrome...madalas nangangarap na sagipin ang buong mundo sa tiyak na kapahamakan

mayabang..."kaya ko 'to...ako pa...tingnan mo, kaya ko 'to eh...(pause)AYOKO NA!!!!" --(halaw sa tunay na buhay, tanungin ang ilang kaibigan ko at patunayan)

bitchy..."i can be a really bad bitch, you ain't seen me at my bitchiest!" --(tanungin ang ilang kaibigang nakaaway...dati rin akong ninominate bilang presidente ng Mean Girl's Club)

tamad..."kelan na ba due date nyan?...bukas ng hapon?... sya, sa umaga na ako gagawa" --(tanungin si april at mga kaklase ko ng high school...)

antukin..."inaantok ak----zzzzzzzzz...." (tanungin ang economics at physics teachers ko nung high school...pati na rin ang nurse namin noon...)

warfreak..."potek, sinung umaway sa'yo? sugurin na natin yan! ikaw? lika dito, babalibagin kita!" --(hanapin ang kawawang batang itinaob ko sa see-saw nung elementary)

maldita...(tanungin ang babae sa mall na sinabunutan ko sabay takbo...)

epal...(tanungin ang kapatid kong nagluto ng carbonarang binuhusan ko ng ketchup....wow, creamy spagetti!)

yan at marami pang iba...

di ako mabait...

mahal nyo pa rin ba ako?

mahal pa rin N'ya kaya ako?

what's in a name?

2008-03-09T03:46:00.001-07:00

What Maye Means

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.

You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.

You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.

You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.

You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in.

You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising.

You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.

You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.

At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

What's Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

on being human...

2008-03-08T20:55:00.000-08:00

a teary friday...

that would be the best description i could give to that day, march 7, 2008.

pressures everywhere. with 12 days to prepare for our Lenten Presentation and with a shapeless show at that, i broke down to tears after talking to my classmates. I was in pain because i felt so useless, the play was not making any progress. I was scared that people would blame me if our presentation sucked. I wanted to give up but i can't, and i must not, i assumed my position and i must stick to what i have started. i tried to fill myself with positivity, "Kaya namin to, kami pa?", but then again, whenever i'd see my classmates' faces, i feel myself going down the drain, i am so embarassed, i didn't want them to fail because of me...(okay fine, i might have been so paranoid na that day, i might have been thinking too much, i am sorry) i was very discouraged and i felt so lost. to add up to that i had this conversation...

b1: o ano, jessa, sabi naman sa'yo eh, you can't save the world, you think they are your friends, but are you their friend?
b2: eto namang si b1 eh, kita mo nang umiiyak yang si jessa, gustolang naman nya tumulong,
b1: kahit na, deserving ba sila? di ka naman superhero eh...

fine! i know that! i am only human. it doesn't really have to be shoved into my system , right? i cannot save the world from this catastrophe...but i am hopeful... still hopeful and i am holding on to my faith on the people i am with -my classmates- i know we can do this. I have been with these people in three classes already and i pretty much know what we can and what we cannot do. yes, they are my friends, i don't care if they don't treat me as one.

I talked to my good friend to release the pain, i told him everything that was giving me a hard time, and he told me to relax and he said i must not assume responsibility for everything, after all, it was not just my project, all of us should contribute to realize this really ambitious project. i asked the whole class to gather once again that morning for an emergency meeting, though half of the class was not there, i tried to deliver my "well-thought-of" speech. i said my apologies to those i might have hurt with the things i have said. i was just trying to be assertive enough. these people are my friends and i bet they are not used to seeing me all serious and rigid, that's why i struggles to assert myself, and i didn't know that i might have appeared to be so domineering and manipulative. i am sorry. i asked for their help because i have realized that i cannot do things alone. i said sorry for being weak. i almost used PGMA's lines "you director is trying to be strong as she wants to be..." (LOL) now, i am in peace. i can work without worries.

i am human, but i dare to go to higher places. i am hopeful. i have faith.

i have adapted this philosophy in life i have heard from a koreanovela:
"if i know i can't finish something, i won't start doing it in the first place."

i won't get into something unless i am really convinced that it would work.

all i am asking for is...

2008-03-08T01:24:00.000-08:00

nakikita ko pa ba?

2008-03-01T21:51:00.000-08:00

i've been so busy with my academic requirements and the practices for out Lenten presentation "Nakita Mo Ba?" (final requirement for our Theater Arts class) that i don't see the point anymore... di ko na nakikita kung bakit ko ginagawa to...para bang ginagawa ko na lang to dahil ito ang nakasanayan kong gawin...i need to stop and think. i need conviction. i need to know what my intentions are. why am i doing this? Dahil pa rin ba sa Kanya?

so close...

2008-03-01T21:45:00.000-08:00

i haven't watched enchanted yet but i have heard one of
the songs from its soundtrack. very heart warming
song...

So Close
Jon Mclaughlin
Enchanted OST

You’re in my arms
And all the world is calm
The music playing on for only two
So close together
And when I’m with you
So close to feeling alive

A life goes by
Romantic dreams will stop
So I bid mine goodbye and never knew
So close was waiting, waiting here with you
And now forever I know
All that I wanted to hold you

So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end
Almost believing this was not pretend
And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come
So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days
If I should lose you now?
We’re so close
To reaching that famous happy end
And almost believing this was not pretend
Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are
So close
So close
And still so far

numb

2008-03-01T21:14:00.000-08:00

one day at the office of student affairs, feeling yata namin eh nasa ibang bansa kami, super aircon talaga, napakalamig...so my fingers statrted to feel numb talaga, eh ako pa naman is very used to biting the tips of my fingers, (very kadiri mannerism), anyway, i didn't notice that one of my fingers was bleeding already. imust have been too numb to even notice that i was bleeding na.

that incident was a good material to reflect on.numbness kills, pero NUMBNES IS NEVER AN EXCUSE TO HURT ANYONE. that's one lesson i have learned in the past week. i have hurt somebody so dear to me because i was too numb to even notice that i was already hurting him. now, i find it hard to get him back. i always find ways to excuse myself from all the pains i bring other people. i often say, "di ko kasi alam...", " akala ko kasi..."
namanhid na ko, sa dami ng pinagdaanan ko parang wala nang pwedeng mangyari na ikakalungkot ko pa. My being numb resulted to me being selfish and cold, tapos i get sad when people leave me, now i see why. now i know why and i can't blame them. Who would want to stay with someone so cold and bitter?
at first i was asking for someone who would come to save me from the ice castle, but then i realized, i built the walls of ice around me, i am the only one who can break loose from it.i need healing from within. i need to be up to the challenge, the process of healing can be very painful but i need to do it.
i will not do it for others. i need to this for myself. i don't want to be the ice princess anymore. i don't want to live in fear anymore, kasi ngayon because of fear, di ko alam i'm bleeding na pala...

tribute sa Barkadang Babad sa Aral

2008-02-08T11:44:00.000-08:00

Unang sabak sa college life: Scary, but having a great bunch of friends made things much easier for me, we call ourselves BBA, nung una, Boy Bawang Addicts ang meaning nun, kasi sa inuman puro boy bawang lang ang kaya naming bilhin para sa pulutan. Di nawala ang boy bawang. Kahit di naman talaga lahat sam in kumakain ng boy bawang, we embraced the name and we lived it. Later on, second semester, Barkadang Babad Sa Aral na pangalan ng barkada namin, aral...aral...inom...aral...

hahaha!

mabubuting kaibigang laging maasahan!
miss ko na kayong lahat!

bang your head against the wall...(a wake up call)

2008-02-08T03:27:00.000-08:00

i am not as good as i want to be. i am not as strong as i expect myself to be. i might have been expecting so much out of myself that i might have been forgetting that i can only take this much...as in this much (demonstrating: a handful) i am no bionic-woman. i realized this when i felt sick and tired of the things i do. sick and tired, yes, sick and tired. that's where i knew. TAO LANG AKO. (I am only human)
i am weak.
i am a loser.
i get tired.
i cry.
i faint.
i get sick.
i get bored.
i give up.
i get mad.
i get sad.
but then again, i promise to arise as a victor. i will not die without putting up a good fight. Kuya Marc Will would always tell us to be exceptional in the things that we do, I'll be exceptional, I'll be great! I'll show them. hahah!

yeah, i can be a bitter piece of shit, but hey, i have my reasons for being one, and besides, i will not remain to be that piece of shit they made me to be. i am a diamond in the rough. it would take time before i grow into a fine piece of jewel, but I'll get there! conceited? i dunno. i just try to give myself the affirmation i deserve. a friend one told me, that when i feel that people don't affirm me anymore, it could be that i lack self-affirmation. that's why i try to give myself the much needed pats on my back to make me feel good.

they could break me all they want but I'll never give up, at least not because of them.

para kay maxx...

2008-02-07T23:10:00.000-08:00

Marie Cielo Gomez Collantes a.k.a:
*Macole
*Macky (pangalan din ng aso nya)
*Maxx
*Cielo Mariel (according to Patsy)
*Cielo Erika (bagong pangalan nya)
*Cielo Bangs (ako si Jessa Juniper)
*Pangs (short for Panget)
*Pre...
*boi
we've been friend for over a year now, and i could say that we've gone through a lot already. She has seen my at my best and at my worst moments, but still she's there to support me and to believe in me. I know we have a lot of differences and thinking about it, it makes me wonder why we're still friends. Maxx is one of the most understanding people i have ever met. She patiently stays with me during my "topak" moments and even when i have my tantrums, she never lets me down. Maxx has made me appreciate life more, with her i have learned to laugh a lot and live more. I remember before we became friends, like her, i was a newcomer to Don Bosco College, i was often alone in the chapel near the confession box crying, but when i met her, things gradually turned out better. If there's one thing i'd remember Maxx for, that would be for the fact that she made me appreciate myself more. She taught me to laugh at problems and not to dwell on them too much. God will make a way. She's a year younger than me, but at the end of the day she turns out to be my "ate".

More than our differences, we have a lot of similarities too, we're both stubborn, we're both "lakas-topak", we both eat a lot, we love food and we like shopping together (when we have money) haha! Our friendship tightened when we both got into similar situations, i don't have to spell out what that situation is, i know some of those who reads my blog would get it. I think it was then that we promised not to let each other down. we'll be supporting each other no matter what. Just like what she's often say, "Sino pa ba ang magtutulungan kundi tayo rin."

our favorite motto is "God Provides" it's funny that when i don't have money she has money and when she has no money I'd have money. Astig pre, God provides! Minsan, nakakatawa when things happen to us, one of us would just utter something that would like thank God for what just happened, you see, we're not just a pair of loud girls, i could say that we are deeper than what is often seen! yeah boy!

I am happy to be her friend. I am happy we've met. With her, yung lungs ko...parang nawala! hahaha!

kidding aside, Maxx has made me appreciate life more. Mabuhay si Cielo Erika! love you pre! hahaha!

you're my wonderwall!

2008-01-31T22:38:00.000-08:00

last night, after our EPC mass, we had a grand salu-salo and mr. noel cabangon was there to serenade everyone with his wonderful music. his first song was wonderwall, originally performed by oasis.

i was looking at someone while listening to that song. i was silently wishing that he'd hear the song and that he'd understand that i want to sing that song for him.

Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now

Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now

And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how

Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

Today was gonna be the day?
But they'll never throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you're not to do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do
About you now

And all the roads that lead to you were winding
And all the lights that light the way are blinding
There are many things that I would like to say to you
I don't know how

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after all
You're my wonderwall

I said maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me ?
And after an
You're my wonderwall

Said maybe
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me
You're gonna be the one that saves me

he's my wonderwall. i want him to save me.

regaining what i lost

2008-01-31T22:33:00.000-08:00

i have been thinking... i want him to want me as much as i want him. i want him to love me the way i love him. i yearn for him, i long to be with him. i am in love. in love with someone who loves me much that i am scared of being away from him. i am in love with someone so good that even i feel embarrased to come near him. i feel scared. i feel lost. but then i go on, move forward, holding his hand tight. having his heart beating for me, and my being searching for him.

i love you, my prince.

letting go...

2008-01-29T21:29:00.000-08:00

this would probably be the hardest part in our relationship. I feel the need for me to let go. I feel the need for me to loosen my grip on the hand that has held me so tight that i thought it would be permanent.

i am scared, scared of losing him. he's the best thing that has ever happened to me. he's the best i ever had, and now, it seems like i would have to learn to go on without him. why this early? why now? what happened to my forever? it's not like we both wanted this to happen, we have no choice. i have no choice. i am in pain.

sooooooooo busy....

2008-01-27T22:23:00.000-08:00

the 45th foundation celebration's really an event to be remembered...
lot's of things happened to me.
most of them unexpected...
the rest are the causes of my deep eye bags...
*bummer*
my puffy eyes' been really sucking the air out of my system...
depressing me...
huhuhu!
sometimes i really want to scream out loud and like tell them:
"HEY! I'M FREAKIN' TIRED! GIVE ME A BREAK!"
but hey, at the end of the day, i still love what i do and i'd not give this up for a quiet day at school.

hehehe!

lot's of things to do...

i have to make sure the whole EPC would be fed and accomodated on the 31st...
(we're 1000 in all...)

i can't even make sure that my younger brother eats well eh...

tsk.tsk. good luck!

hehehe!

my brothers...

2008-01-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

here's something i have been wanting to write about for the longest time.
a salute to the men who has always been there for me. *for real* (they have no choice, hahahaha!)

first, i'm gonna tell you something about my kuya. John Michael L. dela Peña, most people call him "JM". He's 21 and he just graduated from college. He's busy recording songs with his band. He plays the bass and he's one helluva player. He's really good. He even took time to teach me back when i was in third year high school, though i did not turn out to be as good as him (not even close) i could say that he's the best music teacher i ever had. (He laughs at my every mistake, not making it a big deal)but he patiently taught me to play.

kuya and i fight a lot. and i mean, a lot, from the silliest things to the heaviest things there are. i think the reason we fight a lot is the fact that we're pretty much the same. I love my kuya very much. He keeps the family together. He makes sure na the three of us stick together while mami is away, working. He's a cool brother. Child-like, pero very responsible.

"bunsuhang giliw, lab-lab ni mami..."
every morning, i would hear mami say these words to wake mak-mak up. James Mark L. dela Peña, often called "Mak" is my youngest brother. He's 15. He plays the guitar, he sings and he knows how to dance. He used to play baseball too for the Little League Team of Canlubang. Mak is a really responsible kid. He knows how to cook, he cleans the house well, he does the laundry (his clothes only) hehehe! Mak started to be strict on me when he learned that i was going out on dates already. He screens my clothes before i go out of the house, if he doesn't like it, i would not be able to leave the house. He's really sweet and kind, he does the errands for me, like buy me a sanitary napkin when i unexpectedly get my period.

like kuya, mak and i fight a lot too. he scolds me whenever i get too lazy to do my chores, he gets mad when i wear his shirts, he gets mad when i get a hold of the remote. but at the end of the day, he still talks to me and calls me 'ate'. I love Mak. He's my baby.

My brothers, we're pretty much the same, bring us to toy kingdom and we could stay there the whole day. Pop-in a Paramore cd then we'd be singing out lungs out like crazy, bring fried chicken home and that would not last long. I often leave the house to avid dealing with them, but at the end of the day, they're still the family i come home to everyday and i like it that way.

A glimpse of a Perfect World...

2008-01-01T19:56:00.000-08:00

Song lyrics | Perfect World lyrics

Anghel

2008-01-01T19:36:00.000-08:00

I was getting ready to leave the house this morning when i heard this song. An image of a guy popped into my mind, and he stayed there.

Album: Delorean

Mula nang makilala ka
Di na makapaniwala
Na kahit pa magka-iba
Tayo’y sadyang naging isa
Sa Langit ay ba’t kumalas
Nahulog ba mula ‘taas
Pak-pak mo ay pakibaklas
Nang magkasama ka ng mas madalas

[Chorus]
Anghel sa lupa mananatili ka
Hindi na hahayaang lumipad at iwan ako
Anghel sa lupa nahuhumaling na
Langit nadarama pag kapiling kita

Sana’y di na lumisan pa
Di ko yata makakaya
Ang di ko na makita pa
Pagtitig mo sa ‘king mata
Naliligaw ba ng landas
Nariyan ka pa ba bukas
Pakpak mo ay pakibaklas
Nang makasama ka ng mas madalas

[repeat Chorus]

Dapat ba sa isang mortal
Ang sa iyo ay magmahal

[repeat Chorus]

Nais kong ialay ang buong buhay ko sa’yo

a stunner

2008-01-01T19:14:00.000-08:00

December 27, 2007

I was on my way to Manila to meet a friend. I was on the bus with Cielo, my good friend, we were seated at the back and i was near the windows. I have always enjoyed looking at the billboards along the highway, but at that particular day, I just felt so tired to do so. I was about to fall asleep when a billboard caught my eye, I saw the word "God" on it, that's why i took a second look.

I was stunned. Something in me melted. My heart pounded. I was in pain. Somehow, I felt that the message was really for me, that it was there because he knew that I would be looking, He has to let me know somehow. I have been ignoring His calls to me, I chose not to look at the signs He's been giving until this one came. I felt sorry, I wanted to cry right then and there. But i am scared to come to Him. Am i worthy?

sorry

2007-12-21T22:37:00.000-08:00

let's work this out...
i am missing you already...

a tribute

2007-12-15T01:56:00.000-08:00

december 22, 2007:

after working hard in the past weeks for the college activities, we're finally given the 16-day vacation for the holidays. our batch decided to have an outing of some sort before we go on our own ways (we live in pretty scattered locations around the country) two of us would be staying here in canlubang, one in cabuyao, two in makati, one in parañaque, one in mandaluyong, one in cebu and two in pampanga. too bad cielo was not able to go with us, but bhaby and kuya alan went with us. we ate lunch in tagaytay. It was a very filling meal as we feasted on japanese food. as we were dining, i kept on looking at the faces of my friends, trying to capture mental images of them that i could store in my head for the next sixteen days. true enough, i have grown fond of each one of them. they are the family i chose for myself. they are the people i turn to when i have a bad say at school and even at home, they are the people i turn to when i find myself lost and in pain. they understand and they stand by me no matter what. this morning, a friend asked me, "do blessings exist?" i say yes. i was with the best set of blessings God has ever given me. people who make me feel appreciated and accepted. they are the people who can be brutally honest with me , people who never make me feel that i am alone but at the same time, they make me do things the way i want to. i am overwhelmed with gratitude for having a great set of friends like them.

hopeful

2007-12-15T01:14:00.000-08:00

I'm hopeful, yes I am, hopeful for today,
Take this music and use it
Let it take you away,
And be hopeful (hopeful) and he'll make a way
I know it ain't easy but that's okay.
Let's be hopeful!

This is a song from the soundtrack of Coach Carter. This song clearly send a message across: no matter how bad things may seem, let's be hopeful, things would get better soon. Just like what people often say: "there's a rainbow always after the rain." For someone who might read my blog, you'd find me at the end of your rainbows, waiting. Let us trust in Him. Things will turn out for what's best.

Coach Carter: Reflection

2007-12-14T05:33:00.000-08:00

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others. " (Timo Cruz)

Being a mediocre can be really tiring. I used to complain about my high school teachers pressuring me to excel in the things I do, but now, it is tiring to have them to make me do things beyond my capabilities. i want to excel in the things i do, i want to go beyond what people expect me to do, i want to be great. i want to show them i can. i want them to believe i can.

PWD DAY 2007

2007-12-12T06:38:00.000-08:00

to my kuya...

2007-11-21T04:40:00.000-08:00

i'll always be that little girl you save from all the troubles she gets herself into...
but i am learning, that doesn't mean i don't need you anymore. i still want you here beside me, to watch over me...

Song lyrics | Umbrella lyrics

What a Wonderful World!

2007-11-19T03:11:00.000-08:00

Leadership Training Camp

2007-11-19T02:09:00.000-08:00

to my "big brother"

2007-11-12T02:07:00.000-08:00

i am sorry. you know how i hate disappointing you. you have been one of the most influential people in my life and i hope you know that. i listen to every advice you give. i think hundreds of times before i go on and make a decision. i am sorry for going against what you suggested. i am not doing this to hurt you. i am doing this to show you that i have learned a lot from you. i want you to trust me with this. i'll be okay. please don't give up on me, not just yet. i need you now more than ever. i know you're tired of watching me get into all sorts of troubles imaginable and having to save mew from all the mess. I told you, i am learning, this time, i'll do better. this time, i'll be okay. I am sorry for being so insensitive about your feelings. i am sorry for disappointing you for the nth time. i'll make it up to you. i hope to talk to you soon. just you and me, no masks. i miss you and i am sorry.

i'll be your guardian angel...

2007-10-28T19:46:00.000-07:00

even if saving you sends me to heaven...
i'll watch over you...
and continue fighting for and with you...

Candle on the Water

2007-10-26T03:48:00.000-07:00

losing hope...
losing faith...
with knees shaking,
and lips trembling...
i come to her side and seek the comfort i need...
the candle in the dark waters...
my light...
my hope...

"Pugnabimus ad finem!"

2007-10-25T04:48:00.000-07:00

we will fight to the end.
i will fight with and for you...

another round of tougher battles await us.
i'll be here for you no matter what.

to my guardian angel... ehem

2007-10-24T03:36:00.000-07:00

mic test, mic test...*ehem*

i dedicate this song to a close friend of mine who has been there to see me through all my imperfections and tell me that these imperfections don't make me much less of a person. He believes in me. That's one thing that is very important to me...
thank you so much. you really are my angel.

Wag Ka Ng Umiyak Lyrics

OHANA...

2007-10-17T21:39:00.000-07:00

sometimes i think lola's death is sort of a push for the rest of the family to come together and act like a real family. i am scared na baka 'spur of the moment' lang to. that's why i am trying not to enjoy it. i am trying not to get used to this. baka kasi mamiss ko pag wala na.

2007-09-27T00:35:00.000-07:00

Thomas J. Sennett: What do you think it's like?
Vada Sultenfuss: What?
Thomas J. Sennett: Heaven.
Vada Sultenfuss: I think... everybody gets their own white horse and all they do is ride them and eat marshmallows all day. And everybody's best friends with everybody else. When you play sports, there's no teams, so nobody gets picked last.
Thomas J. Sennett: But what if you're afraid to ride horses?
Vada Sultenfuss: Doesn't matter 'cause they're not regular horses. They've got wings. And it's no big deal if you fall 'cause you'll just land in a cloud.

it is amazing how as kids we can imagine how heaven is like. everything's fancy and dreamy, candy coated and feathery. but when we grow up, everything seems to change, we just have to over-analyze everything and do a lot of philosophizing.

if the feeling is gone...

2007-09-25T03:30:00.000-07:00

If the feeling is gone
please don't pretend that you still love me
I can see it in your eyes
and it hurts to admit it
but I can't tell that the feeling is gone.

All i ask is just a little honesty
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you go
If the feeling is gone

There is sadness in your smile
Though you try to conceal it
I can't tell if the feeling is gone

All i ask is just a little honesty
Though i know that you're not coming back to me
You know i'll do anything to make you stay
But i just have to let you go
If the feeling is gone

make-believe

2007-09-25T03:15:00.000-07:00

ever been forcibly waken up by someone from a beutiful sleep? feels bad right? well, i have had one of those... it was really bad. You see, i have been sleeping, i have been living in my world of make believe. i have been running along with a crown of daisies on my head, i have been living a princess' life. i have been living happily with my knight-in-shining armor. we were inlove, we were happy. we were safe in the world we were living in.

but one day, my knight said, "it is time to wake up. we need to face the real world. we need to vacate the world we created for ourselves. everything that we had, even the LOVE wasn't real."

what does he expect me to feel? what does he want me to say? "ah, really? okay!" then, i'd jump out of my bed and live my life in the real world and wave at him happily when we see each other again. just like that? after everything that just happened? He actually thinks it's as easy at that? No, i don't think so, i would have to give myself time. i would have to give myself room to heal. a little more of make-believes, a little more denial, a little more lies... a little more...

a little more, trhen i'll be moving on, and when i do, there's no turning back. i'll be moving on...

i'll be okay.

weary

2007-09-16T03:34:00.000-07:00

I am not that strong

In fact, i am very weak.I have gone through a lot and all these trials must have worn me out along the way. i am not that strong. at the end of the day, i am just a child, helpless, weak. i still cry out for help once in a while.

I never really enjoyed my childhood. i have been watched all my life. I grew to be a person who's afraid of what others have to say about me. i have always been afraid of doing something wrong. i have been very afraid of being weak, of not knowing what to do, of not knowing the answers. I am supposed to be the strong one, the smart one the one with all the answers. i feel stupid whenever i can't provide the answers even to my own inquiries. but what can i do? i am no super human, just like anybody else, i am just what i am. a child... all i can do is pray for a better tomorrow...

i am tired. fed up.

2007-09-16T03:08:00.000-07:00

"You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true. "

(Marideth Grey, Grey's Anatomy)

My fairy tale's over. I didn't have the happy ending i was hoping for. I prayed hard for each magical moment to last, but like what other people always say, good things never last. It is time to let go, time to snap back to reality and time leave the world of make believe. Life is not always fair. Life may be such a pain in the ass. I am ready to let go, not because i want to, but because I have to. i don't want to hurt anybody. Love can be very choking sometimes. I probably love too much, i probably give too much. Maybe it's time i give myself the love i deserve. Maybe it is time that i step out of the shadows of the people i call for help. Maybe it is time to stand on my own. They won't always be around. At the end of the day, i will be responsible for what my life has become. maybe it is just fitting that i make the most out of it.

tension...

2007-09-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

everyone's having a hard time completing the requirements imposed on us. but i noticed this morning that i am the most relaxed among my batch. in fact, i am too relaxed daw...when i was in high school, we call our bath the "rushbabies". I like working under time pressure. I like working after a big push. i like working on term papers, a week before the deadline, i like working for field study reports just before time runs out. I am not a good group mate, i am not a good team mate when it comes to scholastic requirements...
i am sorry for giving my group mates a hard time... i am sorry for being such a pain in the ass...

if you'd just trust me... i know what i am doing.
this works for me...

on love...

2007-08-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

"Love is not something to be over-analyzed. it's supposed to be spontaneous and involuntary for it is an activity of the heart."

in memory of our Murphy...

2007-08-21T02:31:00.000-07:00

totally terrified of what i knew was about to happen, i came late for my biology class...
we were about to kill, skin and open up a frog... what we had wasn't really a frog, it was a toad (read: bigger) i was terrified... sir oliver demonstrated how to paralyze the frog, i sat in the corner crying until kuya ron told me to get up and join the group. i did join them, but i was not looking at whatever they were doing. after a few words of encouragement from almost everyone, i found myself holding the feet of the toad as kuya ron was pithing the head. then i said to myself, "*snap* they actually talked me into doing this thing." i was crying of course... i cried like a kid, like a baby, it was quite embarrassing, now that i look back at it, but at that time,i didn't really care... all i was thinking of was the toad. when it was dead, i helped in skinning it. i found inspiration from grey's anatomy. hahaha! it was there that i realized that i could be a surgeon. we named our frog "Murphy". He was a good frog. He didn't give us a hard time though it took quite a while to kill him completely. I will miss Murphy. But i am still terrified of frogs and toads, especially if they're alive and croaking.

College Retreat

2007-08-10T03:11:00.000-07:00

Life is like a pencil...

1. there is something good in you.
2. you need to be sharpened in order to live.
3. in case of mistakes, you are provided with an eraser.
4. remember, somebody is holding you.
5. you have to leave a mark.

Our three-day retreat focused on the pencil module. the points stressed are quite self-explanatory. I enjoyed the retreat. It felt good going back into myself. I needed a break from all the drama and the chaos my life has brought me. I needed this break. In fact, I need more breaks like this. I am not as strong as I seem. I am no super-human. I am weak. In fact, the bruises on my arm would prove that i do not do well with stress. I am an angry person. Very angry, incapable of loving truly, at least not yet. I need to settle things first. I need to solve my issues. I need somebody to talk to. I am tired of running away from everything. I want to talk about what happened almost 14 years ago. I want to speak up.

52 confessions

2007-07-30T04:06:00.000-07:00

1. The phone rings, who do you want it
to be?
- my mom, sana si marius din or si ralph

2. When shopping at the grocery store,
do you return your cart?
- nope... hahaha!

3. If you had to kiss the last person
you kissed, would you?
- sure... hahaha!

4. Do you take compliments well?
- compliments??? when i get some... i am grateful...

5. Do you play Sudoku?
- no.. i am bad at numbers

6. If abandoned alone in the
wilderness would you survive?
- depende. hahaha!

7. If your house was on fire, what
would be the first thing you would
save?
- important pictures and documents of course...

8. Who was the last person you slept
in the bed with?
- hhhm.... can't remember... ah! kapatid ko... wahahaha!

9. Who do you text the most?
- cielo... partida, lagi pa kami magkasama....

10. Favorite children's book?
- yung tales from the carrot patch

11. Eye color?
- black

12. How tall are you?
- 5'4?

13. If you could do it over again,
start from scratch, would you?
- do what????

14. Any secret admirers?
- kemerkemerlu... di ko alam

15. When was the last time you were at
Olive Garden?
- never been there...

17. Where was the furthest place you
traveled?
- pampanga....ah! i have been to baguio na pala...

18. Do you like mustard?
- ewwwnesss... no

19. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
- sleep....

21. Do you miss anyone?
- super. my mom, si pal, c dada

22. Can you do splits?
- nung bata pa ko... di pa tnatry ulit....

23. What movie do you want to see
right now?
- yung kay aga and angelica....

24. What did you do for New Year's Eve?
- can't remember... i slept lang ata...

25. Do you think The Grudge was crappy?
- i didn't get to watch that one.

26. Do you own a camera phone?
- yup

27. Was your mom a cheerleader?
- nope. but she cheers well...

28. What is the last letter of your
middle name?
- p

29. Are you hispanic?
- my grandparents are...

30. How many hours of sleep do you get
a night?
- dunno. i`m guessing 5-7 hours

31. Do you like care bears?
- i cried nung feb fair 2005 just to get one.... i love them

32. What do you buy at the Movies?
- clover chips and mango juice...

33. Do you know how to play poker?
- nope.

34. Do you wear your seatbelt?
- when reminded lang...

35. What do you wear to sleep?
- sando at boxer shorts

37. Is your hair straight or curly?
- wavy

38. Is your tongue pierced?
- sana.... before mag christmas siguro...

39. Do you like Liver and Onions?
- nope

40. Do you like funny or serious
people better?
- it depends on the situation and my mood.

41. Ever been to L.A.?
- nope

42. Who is on your mind right now?
- si rob...

43. Any plans for tonight?
- sana makatulog na ko ng maayos

44. Whats your fav. song at the moment?
- when she cries

45. Do you hate chocolates?
- nope.

46. What do you and your parents fight
about the most?
- when i scream at my brothers

47. Are you a gullible person?
- yung shallow side ko oo

48. Do you need a boyfriend/girlfriend
to be happy?
- nope..

49. If you could have any job what
would it be?
- crime scene investigator.

50. Are you easy to get along with?
- i guess.sana...

51. What is your favorite time of day?
- late afternoon.....

52. Are you generally a happy person?
- medyo.