whining, crying, screaming

now i feel the pain of living in two worlds, two worlds that are oblivious to the existence of the other. I am caught in between two things: the place where i want to be in, and the place where i am expected to be in. I feel pain because of the fact that i cannot do anything but just sit and wait for things to fall (hopefully, whenre i want them to be.) Right now, i am not sure of what i want, i am not sure of what i feel, i am not sure. Well, what's new, i have lived most of my life in uncertainty, i have lived most of my life, not planning ahead, living each day as if it was my last. But you know what, honestly, it gets a little too tiring.

I need a hand to hold on to, but i am not sure which hand to take. my heart is broken, but these things make it whole, the irony of loving is starting to take its toll on me. Forgive me for feeling like i am being punished for the choices i have made in the past. I given another chance, i would have chosen better, but thinking about it, if i knew that this was to happen i would have played safe, i would have learned nothing from all these. i am not regretting the choices i have made, the pain is worth it, i just feel sad for the people i might be hurting because of these.

i am confused. i feel like i am getting myself in a big commitment. i cannot have the best of both worlds, for a while, it could work for me, but there would come a time wehre i would have to make a decision and just stick with one and let go of the other.

if all else fails, i could let go of both and start anew. (READ: total self-destruction)